Opus Dei

This is a big one, something ive needed to let loose for a long time. Could have been called "tell me how you really feel?" lol this is as about as raw as it gets

dont you dare
call Him "Baby"
we're not talking lately
but dont you dare
call Him what
you used to call me
we are both better
than that, we both deserve
better than that.
Regardless of the boxes
he checks off for you
money, money, money
age, authority over you
it was me who celebrated you
venerated your every word
and movement.
i gave effort
i gave will
wretched as i am
i gave you ME
what was left any way
and now? you give the grace
that was meant for your husband
or at least the man who
believed he was. who gave
you the power to destroy,
the power to hold aloft
or drop into meaninglessness,
guess which you chose?
and now the value you give Him?
Him?
the immediate intimacy
the passion i needed and you
had no intention of giving anymore
when the world says no, you cling
to Him like a life raft, sadly tho that
raft carries cholera and you are the
only one blind to it. you begin again
the pattern of destroying our daughters
our angels, because you took the
easy path. This very pattern wounded
our eldest irreversibly, and now you
aim to repeat that again. i am the only one,
ever, who is willing neigh begging
to be their father, while you allow them both
to be bought and paid like you yourself have been.
to mean something to them, to you.
i am the only one who hasnt
tossed you aside like a used washcloth,
but it is increasingly looks like i should
despite my reluctance to hurt what i love.
i didnt care about your baggage as long
as you gave me no need to look backwards,
to envy what was like we looked upon
the ruins of Rome or Athens in wonder.
it's only when i carried no more value
your skeletons began to choke me
and tear at my soul. and even then i
was proud and grateful despite
you giving me a fraction of
what you gave so many others,
so many villains, and still you give
to villains like it is what you do.
yes you taught me self-love, the hard way,
i know what i am and what i am not.
i am the best there was as you still
are no object to me, no games,
and all i did was more than any
who came before me could even comprehend.
i loved with a depth people only dream of
and even then they dont come close.
i am the best there is as i have bled, sweat
and tore myself apart brick by brick to the bone
in an effort to become, simply become.
you set about erasing what i was before
you and although in many cases
i am thankful but i wasnt just a
canvas to throw in the trash.
i have far to go and although i
have climbed mountains of regret,
embarrassment and misery in
an attempt to cure this infection
which when mixed with your issues
created a cocktail of pain which hurt
everyone around us. it may never be cured
but at present i am doing everything
to mitigate and repair all that is possible.
i am the best there ever will be as
i show nothing but want, effort, work, drive
to simply be. to fill whatever void you have,
to be something to you that you dont look at
with contempt or worthlessness.
to fill the void our daughters have now
thanks to your unwillingness to try
or even attempt to fix the family
you blew apart, yes you, you left
and replaced me in a flash with
the very antithesis of what i never
was or will be, of what i never want
to be. you fell exactly in the same mold
you always did. Money, gorilla, age
and power over you. im sure your first
(of many) intimate encounters which
began obviously at your Calgary "get away"
and your many after (that our eldest heard
as she is no child anymore) was just like
they used to be. like being used as a toy
or just something to do to pass the time.
no meaning, just action, and then to lie
about that among other things just ices
this pitiful cake. more and more i see that's your
thing, what you like, you enjoy being a toy.
you enjoy being used. Perhaps that
was my mistake, one of the many,
you were no mere toy to me, you were
not just exercise equipment, you were
even more than a partner, you were
a gift to the world, my world, you were
my world.
i am bitter because i am better,
i have showed persistence like you never
have seen before, like you couldnt imagine and
obviously could ever produce or even want to produce.
i gave you more than you could handle as
well but that is another story.
lets be clear, no one will ever deserve you,
your beauty and grace, your fire-like soul,
but i will always be the closest,
whether now or years to come,
i own what you had, what you have,
and what you ever will. i know no one
has the will, want, or care to eclipse
what you had, they simply put a rug
over the rotten floor boards.
a pox on both your houses, you will
never love at my depth again and deep down
you will regret like you never have before.
deep in your soul even despite your many...
encounters... you will miss my worship at the
very least. being a deity is hard, you have to take the reigns,
being the play thing is easy. you have your role
and he puts you to use, just like
Iceland, just like New England.
it's funny that despite my current attitude
i have at least the self-awareness to know
you've settled too fast for far too little.
Enjoy your puppet show show, you were the lead
in "Queen of Spades" but i guess the role of the
marionette is what you are more comfortable
with. At the end of the day it is our angels
who will/have suffered and who will with the next
rich older gorilla when this one is bored.
The sad thing? i would crawl through an endless
tract of broken glass just to be yours again
just to have you look at me not like you did
when we were a dream but how you looked
at the trash before me, how you look at Him,
how you lie and bend and push just to keep
Him more front and center than i could have
ever dreamed of being. At least i can hang my hat
on changing New England forever, introducing you
to Mexico and paradise, and showing you
real passion and intimacy and pleasure so
that we own those places we have been, in a way
even this city will never be the same to you
again either. I smile knowing that even tho
you will be whisked away to paradise just
like your endless snowboarding trips,
paradise will always have our stamp on it.
I knocked down the flag of those who came
before and planted mine where it cannot be touched
or ever removed. I have something the legions
before me and the pretenders after me will never have,
the purest of angels, perfection incarnate. Deep down
our eldest will know that despite the fair weather flings, i
was and am and still the only one who is beyond
proud to call her daughter. We made perfection
and a life that cannot be touched, even tho
you couldnt care less about it, that fact that
no one to come will ever touch that is a comforting
thought. What irony that wiped away your biggest
skeleton only to take his place. Kind of a cruel joke
to finally know how "It" felt with you.
you will miss the devotion
most likely not today
probably not tomorrow
but when this tumbles down,
and it will,
you will miss your zealot.
at what point do you look at
the common denominator
in your life and see that your cowardice
is the problem, you and what you have done
and what you are doing, is the problem.
the sad part being that it wasnt a problem
to me.
i did not mind dancing
with your skeletons
but you could not even look
at mine.
what a waste