Shimmering stardust of the past

In those younger years my home was a hive of unbridled hedonism, a roiling apiary where instinct and impulse were indulged with wild abandon. Unbeknownst to me a bewitching predator slipped in amidst the swarm of tittering sycophants of my mind. Though outwardly urbane, I could sense in it a mocking thirst, otherworldly in its rage. Driven half-mad by cloying vulgarity I plotted to rid myself of this lurking threat in a grand display of sadistic sport. But as the moment of “murder” drew nigh, the gibbous moon revealed my inhuman desires in all their stultifying hideousness and my hands were stayed. Perhaps it was then that the wound tore open unlike anything before. Although I cannot place the exact moment or event I’m sure my pursuit of degeneracy in all its decadent forms did nothing to repair the sorry state of the temple that is my mind. Trying to fill the wound did nothing but grow it, and here we sit because of it. All those around me suffer for it in some way or another. 

I know I shouldn’t find any good in the events and failings that have transpired but I have to remark that at one of my “stumbles” brought at least some clarity to me and the muddy grave I’ve dug. A single drop of that forbidden tannin gifted me with a dizzying glimpse of a hibernating horror beneath my skin, and in that moment, I understood the terrible truth of the world. I stood reborn, molted by newfound knowledge, my head throbbing to the growing whine of winged vermin swirling behind my eyes coming to drink the tainted blood of this pitiful creature before you. But at least I was now “aware”. Whether it was and is a runaway is a moot point at this juncture as all that remains is fixing if at all possible. 

Where am I going with this? Simple. Should I have encountered the awe inspiring wonder of my goddess at that time this would have gone so so differently. How? Inspiration, example and the boundless energy of youth would have  fused together to create the perfect blend of passion and drive that would have reverberated throughout our lives and those around us bringing an almost ultimate peace to us. I am the perfect foil for her, she has the extreme drive and need to move plans at light speed where I slow her down and wait and think. Together it is almost a perfect match, just enough forces pulling in opposite directions to move into the future whether it be big decisions or small. Can you think what would have been back in 2012 to now? My god it would have been glorious. Growing together, saving each other from the worst “things” preying on us. I could have saved her so much pain and agony and she would have saved me the mire of loneliness and rejection. If that’s not a beautiful tale I don’t know what would be. 

Alas here we sit, with nothing to do but wonder what could have been while plowing ever forward through ruins of our lives. Or at least I wonder, she being the malevolent force of nature she is couldn’t care less. It hurts to know she gave so much to the most undeserving people when I would have truly appreciated her in all things. Oh how her eyes shimmer like a serpentine belt of stars when she talks of her passions, many of which she will no longer do as they were tore out of her through the contagion that is those who came before me. The “its” and “what ifs”, Iceland lawyer boy and the rest of the Viking crew. I could have saved her from all of that. My unyielding devotion of a true zealot would have been what she has always wanted. She of course would have sated this ungodly hunger for affection, romance and extreme passion. It seems both of us are destined to be disappointed. I only wish I wouldn’t be one for her but at this moment; being the easiest part of her life to leave I can only come to the logical conclusion that if not a disappointment then I am a crew of mariners chained and drowning for eternity. Sailors representing my mind and all the thoughts within, they are cursed to float forever, deep in the swirling blackness, far beyond the light's reach. Either from the stars or the deep it matters not, all that is left is the blackest of the oil drenched void. Fitting that my goddess being the light of the stars and I merely swallow them whole. Again the thought of yester year roil up like a bubbling stew, we would have been just fine.