A Glimpse

Throughout this monstrous campaign of pain and regret i have tried ultimately to find the man i am or was after becoming lost in divinity of another. i am surprisingly good at that, losing myself in another. Something darkly romantic about it think. Almost Victorian. In any event one question, one goal has been constant throughout. When i was married the answer was simple, direct and obvious. Also true but who cares about truth nowadays? The question? The one i have been on the hunt for since before i can remember?

"What makes you happy?"

Not so easy now but...

the people i love, sunshine through forest trees as the winds speaks through the leaves, the smell after it rains or of fresh cut grass, my daughter or the way her hair shines like Plutus personified in the sun. The kind of hug that knits you back into one piece for awhile. Writing (albeit poorly if you couldn't tell). The ocean. Roses. A cold drink on a hot day. My dog and cat greeting me when i return home from work. A good book. Music. 

Only one of them is a big thing. The rest are little things. i've always preferred small things and their tiny details. The big picture tends to hurt, and focusing on that widens the chasm within me (if that were all possible). Between the divide, there is a bottomless numbness; a vast void that is effortless to fall into. i don't know how to explain, except to say that the little things help create a bridge. They line up and then fuse themselves together so i can cross over to another day. 

i get really tired

and sometimes, i can't bring the little things into view enough to want to continue. If i am being honest, most days. More often than not. Yearning only for nothing. Imagine not wanting anything but... nothing. No more anything.

Most people people have "off" days or bad days; they're normal, a part of life. But mental illness is different and omnipresent. With mental illness, you have good days...

Because inner turmoil and/or pain IS your baseline.