End of the Pilgrimage
At long last it seems the road is finally (mercifully) at an end...
I take time to reflect on this pilgrimage I've taken and I find that it always was to bring me to here. My loathing and self hatred does have purpose. It's not hate for hatereds sake, it is all for her. My goddess fits my broken cracks of my psyche perfectly and mine hers. She is just as broken as I and through dutiful worship we make each other whole. I her human dreg and her my beautiful muse. She has loved and lost (more so than I could ever imagine) and I am here at the end of this winding broken path to make sure that need never happen again. Regardless of the "other" in my mind and all his constant insecurities about her past I am still here not there (as there is a time and nothing remains but the memories of time before). So I shut him up and out of this time as best I can and although he breaks free of the chains I put him in my path is finally clear. She burns away the rot and stagnation, she makes the water flow yet again as it did many years ago before I was brought low by love and life. The dregs still remain but for the first time I can see it clearing away which is beyond a comfort. Just for that she deserves to be worshipped but it's everything else she does that garnashes praise, her touch and soft voice which massages the soul. Her genuine sincerity that moves like I've never felt before. She eats the pain and dark and fills my head with light. It is unlike anything I've ever felt before and I am grateful, so very very grateful.
Don't get me wrong I fear. I fear almost too much and need to pull back on the reigns of this runaway steed because I don't want to cause her pain for her love is not to be wasted or trifled with. She does not give it out frivolously and it is such a special gift it needs to be appreciated as such, a gift. And perhaps that's what drives the "other" so mad, is that my goddess was used, her love abused by a trickster and a charlatan. An odd situation in my very naive scope but she loved him deeply like no other before and he used that over a long period of time. His fear (the "other") is that she reveled in it, and it is apparent that she loved this dinosaur more deeply and hard than anyone before. The fear is I wish to to be an inch of what he was to her. "His" fear is that her feelings persist, feelings for a liar. And yet I keep digging to try and wrap my head around it, feeding this "other", this soul of cinder. I've seen this kind, time and time again. Every fleeing mark must be caught, every secret must be unearthed. Such is the conceit of the self proclaimed seeker of truth. For in the end you lack the stomach for the agony you'll bring upon yourself, meaning me. I cannot blame "him" for that anger but I know deep down that that was the past and has zero relevance to this day or future for that matter. For my goddess is kind and has given me her all like no other so why would it possibly matter? It doesn't. What matters is our undivided devotion to each other, because no matter what she is my goddess and I am her unkindled ash. For ash seeketh embers and her fire burns so bright, she has me now and forever.
So in closing I pray that my goddess have mercy and patience with this hollow undead. That she have the strength to allow me to walk beside her always for there is nothing more I wish to do. Her love gives me purpose, and without purpose we hollow away and rot, stagnate. Ask not why the flowers need rain, ask why the rain needs rain. Purpose. So in time the "other" will go away because with my goddesses strength I am made whole and don't need anything else. It is a struggle to conquer ones mind but with her I can do anything.
I raise my eyes to see the heavens
And only the moon looks down
The harvest moon shines down
I take time to reflect on this pilgrimage I've taken and I find that it always was to bring me to here. My loathing and self hatred does have purpose. It's not hate for hatereds sake, it is all for her. My goddess fits my broken cracks of my psyche perfectly and mine hers. She is just as broken as I and through dutiful worship we make each other whole. I her human dreg and her my beautiful muse. She has loved and lost (more so than I could ever imagine) and I am here at the end of this winding broken path to make sure that need never happen again. Regardless of the "other" in my mind and all his constant insecurities about her past I am still here not there (as there is a time and nothing remains but the memories of time before). So I shut him up and out of this time as best I can and although he breaks free of the chains I put him in my path is finally clear. She burns away the rot and stagnation, she makes the water flow yet again as it did many years ago before I was brought low by love and life. The dregs still remain but for the first time I can see it clearing away which is beyond a comfort. Just for that she deserves to be worshipped but it's everything else she does that garnashes praise, her touch and soft voice which massages the soul. Her genuine sincerity that moves like I've never felt before. She eats the pain and dark and fills my head with light. It is unlike anything I've ever felt before and I am grateful, so very very grateful.
Don't get me wrong I fear. I fear almost too much and need to pull back on the reigns of this runaway steed because I don't want to cause her pain for her love is not to be wasted or trifled with. She does not give it out frivolously and it is such a special gift it needs to be appreciated as such, a gift. And perhaps that's what drives the "other" so mad, is that my goddess was used, her love abused by a trickster and a charlatan. An odd situation in my very naive scope but she loved him deeply like no other before and he used that over a long period of time. His fear (the "other") is that she reveled in it, and it is apparent that she loved this dinosaur more deeply and hard than anyone before. The fear is I wish to to be an inch of what he was to her. "His" fear is that her feelings persist, feelings for a liar. And yet I keep digging to try and wrap my head around it, feeding this "other", this soul of cinder. I've seen this kind, time and time again. Every fleeing mark must be caught, every secret must be unearthed. Such is the conceit of the self proclaimed seeker of truth. For in the end you lack the stomach for the agony you'll bring upon yourself, meaning me. I cannot blame "him" for that anger but I know deep down that that was the past and has zero relevance to this day or future for that matter. For my goddess is kind and has given me her all like no other so why would it possibly matter? It doesn't. What matters is our undivided devotion to each other, because no matter what she is my goddess and I am her unkindled ash. For ash seeketh embers and her fire burns so bright, she has me now and forever.
So in closing I pray that my goddess have mercy and patience with this hollow undead. That she have the strength to allow me to walk beside her always for there is nothing more I wish to do. Her love gives me purpose, and without purpose we hollow away and rot, stagnate. Ask not why the flowers need rain, ask why the rain needs rain. Purpose. So in time the "other" will go away because with my goddesses strength I am made whole and don't need anything else. It is a struggle to conquer ones mind but with her I can do anything.
I raise my eyes to see the heavens
And only the moon looks down
The harvest moon shines down
posted by Iudex Yasha at 10:14 AM
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