D.O.A.

It would appear that the "child's" fear is realized. "It" will be there and I will not. The summer is shot, and winter has come again perhaps never to leave. This cold icy wasteland is all that is left for me, the mind makes reality and I become lost wandering it. There will be no escaping this year, perhaps ever again, only time will tell. Time rotting away (which was my fear ironically). And even tho I put on my boots and try to "dress warm" while I now venture out I see the long dark ahead and I am frightened. I've felt this numb dullness before and sadly it is so familiar to me it is like slipping into a warm bath, if a warm bath was bitter cold and mental anguish. I pray the "child's" insecurities won't come to pass but so far it's been correct. It was correct about the seasons and that fills me with an overwhelming sense of dread of what's to come. I pray for my goddess to have mercy in this, I pray for her embrace. Because with her embrace I can even deal with this, albeit slowly but I can, that I have no doubt.

It would appear I have taken the shackle of her past and clamped it firmly around my neck. And since then I have been desperately trying to remove it permanently and leave it in the dust where it belongs. Unfortunately I am trying this in the biting cold and suffocating dark. Have you ever worked with metal in the cold? With the wind eating your face? It's not pleasant to say the least. The cold eats through the cloth making every movement painful, making new memories of pain with ever breath. And you remember, it forces you to. So much so you begin to forget what warm feels like. This is the closest I can describe this moment. Mayhaps the summer will come, with its wonderful heat but sadly I cannot see it. So until that day comes I will struggle with this accursed shackle, howling in the cold like an animal truly lost in the wander, silently hoping for goddess to show me the way up and into the light.