No rest for the wicked

Do you remember in school when you were writing a test and the anxiety hits? How are you doing? How do you compare to the rest of the class? How can you calm down and focus on the here and now? This is the closest I can come to describe...

I wake up, violently. I'm drenched in sweat and breathing heavy. It's the same dream, the one that has kept me awake since... well figure it out, it's not too hard to ascertain.

Emerald woods
A pile of moss covered rocks
It is just before dusk
It is raining ever so lightly
Her and...it
Together...
passion
Flash of lightning, crack of thunder

And I wake.

I vomit this time, again violently. As if my core is trying to eject these thoughts from my body. I crawl back into bed shaking in fear of closing my eyes again for what I might see. I am so tired, unbelievably so. The "child" is cackling madly, "I told you that you were a stand in". My goddess is not here, nothing to anchor me in the midst of all these waves. I cannot wrap my head around it nor should I. The past has no bearing right? I can only hope. "She remembers"'the "child" hisses. Then I howl in agony and waken the animals, even they worry I am slipping. I need my goddess, the "child" is silent in her presence, such sweet silence. Until then, here I lay wishing for rest but finding none. Soldiering on in grim silence. Forty-eight hours seems like an eternity, but twenty- nine years was longer. Through my goddess's embrace I am lifted up and healed, it merely seems the kegare which has poisoned me for so long will not go without a fight. Then fight I must. For both our sakes.

Perhaps I will sleep tomorrow? Perhaps it will haunt me less? I doubt it. Humorously enough that is the only doubt I have these days. Till then I will stare at the empty ceiling and imagine ways to make her smile. At least I find comfort in that and even manage to crack a smile of my own at the thought. Sweet dreams my moonlight, it seems I must have given them all to you...