Inuidiam Monimentum

"Of the seven deadly sins, only envy is no fun at all..." Josheph Epstein.

I have been called a great deal of things. My former relationship threw a great deal of negative connotations my way and for that i still bare the scars. I must say that my goddess has healed what i never thought could and brought this poor wretch back from the inferno like the old poem itself. Alas some things will take more time, and time is what has been rattling in the darkest parts of my mind for nearly the entirety of my existence. "It" still persists and leeches back into her life like pig slop through a sluice gate and i am thrown back into the old thoughts about time.

I have wished for the same things every time a wish is to be made and sadly i fear that it will never be fulfilled. A time machine and insane amount of money. Yes it is childish and silly, both to wish and wish for that but the reasoning is simple. I wish for time. Why time? Other than the fact that no one ever has enough of it i go back to the beginning of this post, while i was wasting both my time and my ex's time my goddess was wasting hers. Being used and taken advantage of more than most people could ever imagine. And through her magnificence she puts on a brave face and forgives and forgets. I on the other hand who is more childish and immature to be sure (im not sure if more jaded but i would somewhat suspect although the debate might something to consider in future lol) cannot let such slights against my sun go. I am not sure why, perhaps this is just another aspect of my brokenness i am not sure. To love so madly and deeply i love retroactively(gross, i hate this word) throughout the ages. Old souls or some such who knows but alas i do and there is no changing that, i am as the gods made me. So how is it i am made? Like any other person but more so. Of all the sins rattling around this planet i even now it seems am the living embodiment of Envy.

Envy as defined in the dictionary is an emotion which "occurs when a person lacks another's superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it". Pretty straight forward i would say but i prefer Aristotle and his definition. Envy is pain at the sight of another’s good fortune, stirred by “those who have what we ought to have." That really hits home as to what Envy is and why now i am wrapping this monument (me) with the banner of time. And don't get me wrong, i am fully aware of the irony that by me talking about this subject and belching out the gunk of my mind i effectively wasting what precious time i have. But i feel the need to blood let this so to speak. Bloodletting or blood-letting respectively is a method in which blood and other bodily fluids are regarded as "humors" that had to remain in proper balance to maintain health. I have done this from time to time, releasing this gunk to try and get some clarity (with mixed results) but i must try at least. Sometimes putting down ideas and thoughts has a way of spurring creativity. 

Envious of time? In short, yes. Why? Simple. What i have here is life i find perfect, happiness, family, love. Its all here. But alas others "received" emotion, love, thought, experience and priority more than i could ever think possible. More than i could even articulate. That has been and never will be my world because i cannot go back. That part of my goddess's life is done and gone and now we have whats right in front of us. I could not be more grateful, or happy, truly because this is so wonderful to me where i am right now. But one cannot but lament when looking at what was and gone. Oh the memories we would have made! The fun we would have had and the stories we could have told! While others were gifted with priority and adoration they did not deserve in the slightest i must make the best of what i can. I might add that what i have at the moment really has saved me and changed my life for the better. It is because of my goddess i know what happiness is and that i know what the sun feels like. However again i cannot help to point out that others received so very much for so very little and it tears me apart the thought of what we could have been so very long ago. 

I would like to point out i am being selfish. I regret absolutely nothing as it pertains to my current situation. Let me make this clear, i regret nothing and i am so very happy. But like some people fantasize about winning the world series or being king of the planet, i fantasize about what could have been, should have been if the gods were not so cruel. Its like a sad joke that so much fun, experiences and priority was wasted on such awful people. I cannot stand the thought of those "things" getting what i have searched and pined for my entire life leading me up to this moment. And then seeing what could have been and frankly should have been. But life is cruel and here we are. Fighting and working for now what others were handed by the gods it burns every fiber in my being to think of it. Its not fair, NOT EVEN CLOSE! And the sad part is it should be. Of all the times when i should get my cake and eat it fate would have other ideas. That is neigh unforgivable. 

The funny part is i am the only one with any resentment or ill will towards this entire turn of events. My goddess i dont think has the ability to hate. Angry perhaps from time to time (at me as well lol) but hate i think is a completely foreign concept to her. Which is one of the many reasons why she is so intoxicating and why i love her so unbelievably much. Perhaps it is just another symptom of my imperfection that i hate so much, that i feel so much i can feel even years ago and things that never had anything to do with me. But it simply drives me the level of tenderness, care and forgiveness that my goddess gives even the worst of these offenders. Protection of their feelings and care for what they think. Dont get me wrong i believe that being civil is an absolute must. Rudeness is an epidemic and one thing that instantly make me hate you to the core. I say this even tho i myself am unbelievably rude at many times, it is a addiction i working on kicking. So i do not mind the civility of the whole exchange it is the absolute tenderness that drives me mad. Short drive i know but it is this thought that has ruined many a nights sleep as it rattles around and doesnt stop. There doesnt seem to be a fix for it either. I am no doubt blowing things out of proportion and thinking for too much and too deep but that seems to be my curse my entire life. I have always thought more than others and it never is a benefit. Tragedy abound it would appear. 

It must also be said that my imagination is always ALWAYS worse than reality. Clearly this is the case for most of this, however the basic principles confound and astound me. There is simply nothing about my goddess which i can even comprehend and i think ultimately that is one of the main reasons why i have fallen so madly in love. For the first time i truly cannot understand and just like when primitive man first saw fire or the ancient Aztecs experiencing the eclipse i cannot explain her or anything about her. She must be a god, or the humanly embodiment of them. I think this feeling of not being able to understand or figure out so to speak keeps me humble and should be a corner stone for any real relationship. Maybe not to my degree (good lord i wouldnt wish my...quirks on anyone) but to look at your partner as a man and be in awe seems to me a very important feeling. And that brings this back around to my original conundrum, i simply cannot understand how my goddess can protect or at the very least right off the wrongs of the worst offenders to have used her AND her children for nothing more than to get to her. This is an important point, OUR children are no tool or pawn. They are OURS TOGETHER and will always be. Coming into this i knew of her children and steeled myself to become a father or at the very least a father figure, they deserve nothing less than absolutely everything i have as a man. Its how i was raised and that is how a real man is supposed to act. I love them and wish them greatness even tho they are not my blood they always will be in my mind, full stop. And now that we have our own newborn (well a year old soon) the feeling is even more so. Which brings me to another point...

"The two most important dates in your life, the day you were born and the day you find out why..." Mark Twain.

I have always loved this quote, whole heartily because it is so true and speaks such volumes. It was not until our eldest opened up to me (my goddess well on her way pregnancy wise) that i truly realized that perhaps just maybe i was put here to be a father. I would never have the luxury of money or the things it would buy or the influence it would receive (as my goddess would explain). However i would have an over abundance of love to give and a plethora of experiences and life lessons to teach. Which again brings me to crux of this entire exercise. Its not fair. Why cannot i have a more even amount of both? Why are others so so so blessed and yet i to fight and sweat for the very ground i walk? I hate to my core that these "it"s and "what ifs" didnt have to work for what my goddess gave and they rewarded her good graces with nothing. And then in all her mercy she could barely care less and even goes so far as to suffer their advances and still not care! I hate that when i was quite literally wasting my time and money and energy on one set of islands my goddess was being taken advantage of on another. Through money or influence or artistic whatever the same story rolled over and over and the most pure and perfect thing on this earth moved on scarred but forgiving. While i carry the wounds of that damnable island i was wasting away on she brushed it away, a true testament to her strength and wonder. Astounding when you think of it! But sadly i have rattled on for too long to i must wrap up. 

In closing it must be said i feel no regret, just bitterness at the unfairness of the slings and arrows. Its not fair, not right. My goddess was used and abused while i wallowed in my own inequity, when a simple chance of fate could have ended both our painful chapters in the novels that is our lives. ITS NOT FAIR!! That others received so much for so little. Looking at the bigger picture i know in the beginning i wished to be them for this very reason although not now and i wouldnt trade what i have now for anything but it must be said. They got all the fun with none of the struggle. And simply by judging the beautiful times we are having now i can not imagine the experiences and truly amazing times we would have had before life became "crunch time" again so to speak. I am so very happy for the first time in my life and so incredibly grateful. I just wish it more so. It is an addictive feeling to be so blissful. So much so that i want more. It would appear i am an addict to not only my goddess but the awe inspiring light she gives off which in turn produces such wonderful music. I just wish for more of that. When cares were few and far between, when we could wander and not get lost. When we could tour this planet drinking sangria and feeding the ducks. No cares, just lost in each other. I meant every word of my vows for i take them extremely seriously (for what is a man but his word?) that my goddess will know no more struggle of storms or mountains, that the grass is truly green here. Alas i merely wish that we could have planted this grass together and watched as the fruit of our labor brought about the most beautiful lawn imaginable. I pity her for the grass here needed trimming and for the weeds to pulled out before it shines as it does today. And just as weeds are apt to do they come back and need to be pulled again and again. Weeds green as envy...