The Grasshopper Lies Heavy
Ecclesiastes 12:5
Also when they shall be afraid of that which is high, and fears shall be in the way, and the almond tree shall flourish, and the grasshopper shall be a burden, and desire shall fail: because man goeth to his long home, and the mourners go about the streets.
Im not a religious man. Not any more, that time has passed (i was raised catholic). But i still find solace and inspiration or even relief sometimes in the old words. Even if their power is so diminished from a lifetime of being ignored by their supposed creator. Anyway i drone on, and before i go down that particular rabbit hole i will stop. This verse has a plethora of meanings, too many to count. My personal and very limited understanding of scripture and the like seems to interpret that burdens, mistakes, misadventures should be done young. With old age comes the multiplication and the ramping up of these so called burdens. These can be mind body or soul. We should try to remain stead fast in our youth so that when we are older these things not only come naturally but we can weather them easier as we have had a lifetime to steel ourselves in preparation for these times and tribulations. In the religious sense it means be steadfast in faith when we are young. In the practical sense it means live life and make all your stupid mistakes when you are young. Take on these issues young, because when you are old it is so much harder to deal with what you have never encountered.
I will spare the audience another long and ridiculous diatribe that really only chases its tail. But the same issues persist. This station we find ourselves is not fair. And i am even open to possibility that i do not have all the answers (gasp!) but i wish i could have prepared earlier. The toll is thick and slogging and is heavy upon my shoulders, thank the gods for my goddess otherwise i would have no way of dealing with this at all. As much as we are both trying to find our way through the dark i at least have her. She sadly only has me, not a beacon of hope on her part to be sure lol. As an aside and really a moment to prove my point, today i blathered on one of my usual topics of conversation (my unyielding fascination with my wife and how unbelievably gorgeous she is etc. etc. cringe worthy i know but she truly is wonderful lol) and she remarked that i didnt need to go and talk about things like that, that i didnt need to talk about those things to get in her pants. I was taken aback somewhat as that thought had never, will never and does not ever enter my mind. Even in past relationships i have never brandished romantic language for sexual intimacy. Perhaps i am born different or wrong but that is an appalling idea to me full stop period. Maybe its because i come from a school of thought that two people should genuinely find attraction in the other person and not see them as a toy to be played with or a tool to be used. Shocking way of thinking i know but this illustrates my point to a degree. If fate wasnt so very cruel then i could have met my goddess earlier and then she would have been spared being so jaded when it comes to someone actually expressing feeling and emotion. I mean every word i say (although context sometimes gets misconstrued so sometimes it helps to clarify) and i dont use what i say to play games, unless we are you know...playing games lol.
The profundity of this should not be lost on anyone. What trauma was inflicted to look at a profession of love and think that it a means to an end? My goddess means more than the world to me and this shook me greatly as i would never even dream of acting like that. Which all the more proves that we should have and would have been more that perfect should we have met earlier and all the more reason to curse my fate and the road i have traveled as unbelievably inhumane to both myself and my goddess. And the fact that even now that those "things" persist (not just "it" but there are others) and try to curry favor she treats them with such respect and kindness i could not begin to wrap my mind around how that would be possible. After creating the circumstances which have scarred her to the point of thinking that all romantic language is a means to and end (im sure you can see where the end is) even so far as using her own children as pawns in that sick game and STILL cannot bring herself to hate or even really show any anger in any way boggles the mind. I am stunned to even think about it. Those "things" deserve her wrath or at least a stern final conversation should they persist in whatever sick and twisted game they wish to continue to play and yet she spares them. The christ like figure here is shockingly apparent and again boggles the mind trying to figure out how it is even possible. I realize i was born without the capacity for such mercy and kindness towards people so low. But perhaps that is why my goddess and i fit so well, she is all things good and bright and i the opposite. She the goddess of the sun and i a toad. But anyway its time for that ending i was talking about earlier...
The road is long and winding. A treacherous slog through the mud in the dark. It didnt have to be but it is, because for others it has been and continues to be incredibly easy. For them its always summer time, money, family, influence and even so far as to leech into MY life and draw a stark contrast as what was so easily given to them for little or no effort and scar the most important thing in my entire existence, my goddess. And to add insult to injury she coddles and protects them, kindness and mercy unending. I almost dont want to understand out of pure principle. Again as i said in my last post i am sure i am "over thinking", "blowing out of proportion" and its simply none of my business. However i will point out that regardless of how much that phrase infuriates(seriously) me and has my entire life, that when those "its" and "what ifs" and whatever else try to weasel their way back into my goddess's life it not only becomes my business but almost an obligation to stand up to garbage that refuses to go and die in a hole where they belong. I trust my goddess and her judgement i really do. She knows each of these situations better and more intimately than i ever will or care to, and that's part of the problem as like a child scared of the dark my imagination is far far worse than reality will ever be, hopefully lol. This just cements and reiterates what i have been saying, this entire situation is not fair, not by a long shot. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded, i like to think that was the case with my goddess and having to deal with such slime for so long that finally she was what she has always looked for. I know it has for me as she is the gold at the end of the rainbow, she truly is the light at the end of the tunnel. But there should have been no tunnel, like the things that she keeps protecting it should have been i and not them to find my goddess early and create lasting moments and memories of nothing but happiness and use those as a coat to guard against tough times that everyone faces in relationships. I simply cannot overlook how unfair it was and continues to be as they are still receiving the mercy and kindness of a goddess that does not owe them anything, period. This grasshopper is heavy with these thoughts and they keep accumulating like gutters stuffed with leaves and mud. I truly wish i was born with the ignorance to look past these injustices, to treat them like my goddess does. Water off a ducks back. But i am no duck and i am as the gods made me. Sadly inadequacy thou name is mine and because these events did not play out as they have for all the trash my goddess had to deal with we are here, with my goddess healing as best she can and with me trying to help her throughout this process all the while trying to keep my promise to always make her happy. Alas one can only hope that neither of us lose ourselves at the end of this. She is too magnificent to lose in this mire.
I will spare the audience another long and ridiculous diatribe that really only chases its tail. But the same issues persist. This station we find ourselves is not fair. And i am even open to possibility that i do not have all the answers (gasp!) but i wish i could have prepared earlier. The toll is thick and slogging and is heavy upon my shoulders, thank the gods for my goddess otherwise i would have no way of dealing with this at all. As much as we are both trying to find our way through the dark i at least have her. She sadly only has me, not a beacon of hope on her part to be sure lol. As an aside and really a moment to prove my point, today i blathered on one of my usual topics of conversation (my unyielding fascination with my wife and how unbelievably gorgeous she is etc. etc. cringe worthy i know but she truly is wonderful lol) and she remarked that i didnt need to go and talk about things like that, that i didnt need to talk about those things to get in her pants. I was taken aback somewhat as that thought had never, will never and does not ever enter my mind. Even in past relationships i have never brandished romantic language for sexual intimacy. Perhaps i am born different or wrong but that is an appalling idea to me full stop period. Maybe its because i come from a school of thought that two people should genuinely find attraction in the other person and not see them as a toy to be played with or a tool to be used. Shocking way of thinking i know but this illustrates my point to a degree. If fate wasnt so very cruel then i could have met my goddess earlier and then she would have been spared being so jaded when it comes to someone actually expressing feeling and emotion. I mean every word i say (although context sometimes gets misconstrued so sometimes it helps to clarify) and i dont use what i say to play games, unless we are you know...playing games lol.
The profundity of this should not be lost on anyone. What trauma was inflicted to look at a profession of love and think that it a means to an end? My goddess means more than the world to me and this shook me greatly as i would never even dream of acting like that. Which all the more proves that we should have and would have been more that perfect should we have met earlier and all the more reason to curse my fate and the road i have traveled as unbelievably inhumane to both myself and my goddess. And the fact that even now that those "things" persist (not just "it" but there are others) and try to curry favor she treats them with such respect and kindness i could not begin to wrap my mind around how that would be possible. After creating the circumstances which have scarred her to the point of thinking that all romantic language is a means to and end (im sure you can see where the end is) even so far as using her own children as pawns in that sick game and STILL cannot bring herself to hate or even really show any anger in any way boggles the mind. I am stunned to even think about it. Those "things" deserve her wrath or at least a stern final conversation should they persist in whatever sick and twisted game they wish to continue to play and yet she spares them. The christ like figure here is shockingly apparent and again boggles the mind trying to figure out how it is even possible. I realize i was born without the capacity for such mercy and kindness towards people so low. But perhaps that is why my goddess and i fit so well, she is all things good and bright and i the opposite. She the goddess of the sun and i a toad. But anyway its time for that ending i was talking about earlier...
The road is long and winding. A treacherous slog through the mud in the dark. It didnt have to be but it is, because for others it has been and continues to be incredibly easy. For them its always summer time, money, family, influence and even so far as to leech into MY life and draw a stark contrast as what was so easily given to them for little or no effort and scar the most important thing in my entire existence, my goddess. And to add insult to injury she coddles and protects them, kindness and mercy unending. I almost dont want to understand out of pure principle. Again as i said in my last post i am sure i am "over thinking", "blowing out of proportion" and its simply none of my business. However i will point out that regardless of how much that phrase infuriates(seriously) me and has my entire life, that when those "its" and "what ifs" and whatever else try to weasel their way back into my goddess's life it not only becomes my business but almost an obligation to stand up to garbage that refuses to go and die in a hole where they belong. I trust my goddess and her judgement i really do. She knows each of these situations better and more intimately than i ever will or care to, and that's part of the problem as like a child scared of the dark my imagination is far far worse than reality will ever be, hopefully lol. This just cements and reiterates what i have been saying, this entire situation is not fair, not by a long shot. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded, i like to think that was the case with my goddess and having to deal with such slime for so long that finally she was what she has always looked for. I know it has for me as she is the gold at the end of the rainbow, she truly is the light at the end of the tunnel. But there should have been no tunnel, like the things that she keeps protecting it should have been i and not them to find my goddess early and create lasting moments and memories of nothing but happiness and use those as a coat to guard against tough times that everyone faces in relationships. I simply cannot overlook how unfair it was and continues to be as they are still receiving the mercy and kindness of a goddess that does not owe them anything, period. This grasshopper is heavy with these thoughts and they keep accumulating like gutters stuffed with leaves and mud. I truly wish i was born with the ignorance to look past these injustices, to treat them like my goddess does. Water off a ducks back. But i am no duck and i am as the gods made me. Sadly inadequacy thou name is mine and because these events did not play out as they have for all the trash my goddess had to deal with we are here, with my goddess healing as best she can and with me trying to help her throughout this process all the while trying to keep my promise to always make her happy. Alas one can only hope that neither of us lose ourselves at the end of this. She is too magnificent to lose in this mire.
posted by Iudex Yasha at 5:17 PM
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