The Bend Before the Break...
There is an idea of a Joshua Sklarchuk; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there. I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly outbursts has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip. There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing. You may call me inhuman but in all actuality I'm in touch with humanity. Along those lines, do you know what Ed Gein said about women? And no not The maitre 'd at Canal Bar, serial killer, Wisconsin, the '50s. "When I see a pretty girl walking down the street, I think two things. One part wants me to take her out, talk to her, be real nice and sweet and treat her right." And the other part? "What her head would look like on a stick..." Now most of you don't see the humor nor the sick irony, you really just need sit down and understand it, when you do you'll finally get whats going in my head. I do not expect anyone to understand this by the way...
posted by Iudex Yasha at 8:10 PM
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