You Wanted To Know What i Was Thinking?

My skin has always been so pliable

and by now

it must be ultimately unbreakable

as many times is the stars in the sky

i have cut it open

and beat hate into my own blood

No. No

Not good enough

The vessel supposed to be my home

is the prison where i die alone

an unconscious decision to view with derision

what i only know how to despise

i wondered if the disease lives in my eyes

so i burned them blind

just to escape the mirrors

and then proceeded

to pour bleach in my brain

send poison through my veins

Lobotomize the pain away

All the world's a stage...

At the end of the scene

riddled with holes

i stand

in defeated finality

dripping, dripping

torn shards of doubt splatter

with the shatters of a soul

that feels so much older

than the constellations sewn into my skin

scars like stars from the needle and thread

that i have to walk around with

for every time i flay myself open again

Why, why, why do i do this?

a rag doll; an object of 'no'

a torn stuffy

a thrown away stuffed animal

pock marks from acid infiltrating his bones

The marrow leaks out and sows

reaped seeds of self-loathing

that grow

and grow

and grow...

This sad, bloody thing

in crudely-stitched skin

stands in a field of bloom

rotting in a meadowed tomb

the outside world adores him 

but the mind inside abhors him

thus the gifted crown of laurel leaves

hits his head and withers

so this creature writes love into the thorns

and ignores the rose...

and so it goes...

and grows and grows

and grows...

Spring Time

you were laughing then

there in a forever-spring

flawed and forgiven

Still Drowning

if i could have collected

every tear and thought

shed

that had your name on it

by now

i'd have an ocean

that i could

drown in

and forget.

Yet at least i would have 

something else to drown in 

other than the thought of you.

Myself

i started flying
and falling
into you, only you
over and over everyday
but you were not there
anywhere near
without any warning
i hit the ground
and you left me there, lying there
collecting all the broken pieces
of the mess you made
by myself
and that is just the way you like it

Divino

l'uomo primitivo chiamava ciò che non potevano capire "divino". Detto questo, la tua straordinaria bellezza e grazia è la definizione stessa della luce delle stelle sul solstizio d'inverno, la melodia e il colore più profondi della prima alba della primavera, è infinita e sbalorditiva come quella del cosmo stesso. Adorata da uomo e bestia, divinità e re allo stesso modo. in poche parole, incomprensibilmente divino.

Flow

Hope is a ghost

a dream with a name

i dare not speak aloud

Hope laughed along the walls one day,

like a song singing

down these empty halls, 

like liquid love, 

i spilled it out, i licked it up

i spoke it's name and it waned away

like water stains on ceilings

seeping in to the restless plaster

of what remains of my heart.

A Moments Reflection

another defeat
made to suffer without end
the sun sets over me

To Your Daughter

when your daughter asks you if she's pretty,
looking like the universe is weighing down her
little bones with insecurity, resist the urge to say
"of course, darling. Of course you are."

Tell her instead: "Everyday, i bless the stars that
fell apart to allow your body's embers to glow to
life."

Tell her instead: " in the seven billion that exist on this
planet you are the only one of your kind."

Tell her instead: "You are so much more than pretty.
The stars that gave you to me made you to
be like the sun. You are their best ever
masterpiece. You aren't pretty. You, my dear
are inspiring."

Pretty Divine

let's make gods out of these hollow corpses.
i'm tired of the weight of mortality, i want

to tear it from my veins til i bleed silver and gold,
til i can feel something again. let's carve our names

in a heart on the ivory pillars of history. maybe
one day they'll chant our names, maybe one day

they'll paint us into the constellations and name
galaxies after us, and we too shall be eternal

Turning

So, tell me.

where shall i go?

To the left, where

nothing is right? Or

to the right, where

nothing is left?

It's All About Connection

that vaunted place, or
that shared space.

a miracle of language, or
a mystery of consciousness.

pair of souls drumming up
syncopated waves by their shared shore.

or

a spirited duo exchanging
metered compositions of measured tides.

to be seen, or
at the very least
and more probable
to feel seen

Doubt

i'm not sure i'll
ever find what i truly want.
i want what others have been given
so many others
no miracles
no magic tricks
simple life stuff

the only thing i
am sure of is that
i won't accept
something that is
not it

Speak Up

i search for peace
in the quietest place i can dream up,
but even in dead sleep,
the dead speak
nightmares are dreams too

Fertile Ground

there are graveyards

inside you

made of people

that made you ache,

made of memories

that you barely survived

made of trauma

and heartbreak.

These graveyards

need to become

gardens

no matter how small

no matter how big,

where you

plant flowers

that blossom, 

for you to let go

Headless

We are bound to our surroundings
we are the reality around us
brought low we embody shame
made to swallow the most bitter of pills
again and again
the unjust live high and happy
and poison is all i have to drink

i'm falling to pieces
or have already fallen
time has no sway when one is rotting
inside and out
an invisible repugnance that drives all away
a headless corpse that wanders and yet is not lost
no matter how i wish it so.
on and on and on it will go.

My identity was ripped from my hands
my dreams
my hopes
i fell and fell and fell and fell
still falling
still rotting
while the villains laugh and play
i wander headless and endless
headless and endless
the world of the spirit
dark and decaying
without ego or name
invisible to most
a ghost without a bed sheet
anchored to a reality that was not of my choosing
what a sad pathetic ending

Odd Thoughts

i'm falling to pieces... you can't behead the headless

how many ways can one fall? This is more of a thought process and an ongoing one than my regular shlock. Corruption comes in an unlimited amount of flavors, money, power, sex, drugs etc. yet what about thought? Can your thoughts naturally become corrupted? Does the theme of kigare come back into to play? The more and more i find myself being swallowed by this misery my mind sinks back to kigare. Corruption, stagnation, rot. 

The loss of ones head has been seen in many cultures in history and around the world as a loss of the ego, or the loss of an identity (for obvious reasons). The prideful brought low. Karma in way. Especially in some Asian cultures this would curse you to become a monster, headless wandering and violent. Sounds familiar only if i am looking in the mirror. Using ones strength in a way that is not right, plain and simple not right, curses you to become a hideous abomination. How many times in our lives do we see this actually occur? Celebrity brought low for one reason or another. Or a family member? Corruption is a well that never runs dry, its up to you whether you want a thimble full or a swimming pool. Those choices have consequences yes but in the end once you are on the highway its tough to get off and there aren't alot of places to pull off. And the damage remains like scars, mind body and soul. Guilt in its own way is corruption, eating away at every thought you have during the day, every activity you do. You are cursed with guilt, that is why someone who feels none is such a horrible disorder, someone seriously broken. Now is guilt all bad? Of course not. But we are cursed with it nonetheless.

There is also the Komuso monks of the Edo period of Japan. Roughly translated into the monks "of emptyness." They would wear straw baskets on their heads symbolizing the absence of ego. Spies and mercenaries of the times would also disguise themselves as these monks so as to hide their identity while they carried out their business. Sounds similar to being headless no? The loss of ego, one violently and one willingly. One through corruption and the other from an attempt to be pure. 

So to turn the mirror onto one self i see

nothing

i resemble nothing of what i used to

whether good

or bad

i'm falling to pieces

headless and alone

is there nothing that can end this nightmare?

end this curse?

Sink or Swim

My mind swims better than i can
more comfortably
more confidently
through rough seas and calm
mere sloughs of simple dirty thought
to mighty rivers of never ending noise and movement

small lagoons hold pitfalls and predators
that my mind aptly avoids
and when i cannot bear another moment of the struggle
sadly my mind drags me back into whatever
whenever
however
down into the depths

The View From Where I'm Sitting

Life has never been easy on me,
since childhood i lacked self
confidence, i was the kid in the
dark no one wanted to get close to,
then the kid who you could tell
about the life you lived as long
as he wasn't in it.
That broke me then
and i am broken now.
i never believed in my
true colors , i always wanted to be
a crimson like others, but i had my
own color that was yet to be discovered .
Years passed, life seemed as a burden,
then i met you, and you felt like
my mini garden, i'd take care of
you and you'd give me grace and
fill my life with green and sunshine.
you made me happy whether you like it or not,
but the issues i have always wore, they
weren't clothes that i could change
there were tattoos, scars that were
permanent. You made life easy
but i still had battles to fight.
It's like i'd go out to brawl my nemesis
and you're at home praying for me
and when i get back you'd put
band aids all over me and give me
Darvon and just for that moment
i'd forget all my pain, i still bleeding
but i seemed to forget where i got
wounded. Life is again rough as you
left but it felt good to have you by
my side knowing i have someone
with whom i can face all the battles
or someone who will put on the
band aids.
Life was rough then as well,
but at least i had you.
At least then you had me fooled
that i mattered, that i held worth.
Now?
i'm glad you try for others like you didn't
and wouldn't for me.
i know this is my fight, not yours,
but it was nice to have someone in my corner.
And that's the difference between you and i
at this point. You have an escape, you can fly off
to your playboy mansion.
i am here with a life sentence, me, myself and i.
there is no escape here.
You were flying this plane and jumped out
and landed in paradise unscathed.
i was left on the plane and crashed in the Andes,
and we all know how that story ended.

Spectator Sport

Once greater

now the unwelcome spectator

i'll view you life in pictures

watch you live behind a screen

puzzle pieces scenes 

no place for me

i'm headsick with a heartbleed

and i'd rather

watch

you

breathe

Here's The Cold Water

hey dummy

i hope you realize just how rare she was. And i hope you still think about her from time to time with a mixture of regret and nostalgia. She was worth it, you know. But she's not going to chase you. A girl like that moves at her own pace and never looks back.

she WAS worth it

you ARE not.

Another Serving Of Grief

Look at you
beautiful and cold and gone
it's another tragedy
that in order to ever
hope to see you again
i have to find you
in the parts of me
that have "you"
written all over them
the fearlessness; impatience
the temper i used to hate
are now where you don't live
because you've faded away
to a place beyond promises
i can't walk with you
through fire anymore
and i wish "before" was a place
not so far away
where your lungs still breathe
and your magic remains
because you allowed me to keep you safe
and i did
no matter the outcome, you were safe
in these arms
but now, the truth is
i can do nothing to thank you
because i learned something today
that will haunt me all my life...

Darkness is a place called "Daylight"

Like A Moth To Flame

My heart starves

for a pulse to warm the static space

in the quiet nights between

streetlights that still glamour my gazing shadow

and the heart that feeds me to the flames

Yet Another Prayer- Eden's Gate

Like phantom fingers

yielding my skin

are whispers of memories

of every evening

i could have sworn

Heaven was a place

gated by your lips

and hidden on your tongue

You kissed your way south

and i found God in your mouth

i'd let the afterglow

lull me soundly to sleep

and i was always you

i would dream about

even as you breathed

in the warm space; beside me

i would now sell my soul

to watch you dream...

What An Imagination

i no longer know
if it's your voice i keep hearing,
or it it's even
your scent
that still clings to my skin
maybe you're now
more fantasy
than memory.
Just a collection
of wants, hopes and dreams
i poured into a woman.

Impossible

You and i must have been a dream,
only ever meant to exist in
another world far from this one -

Where something even as impossible
as love could be ours

Not All Who Wander Are Lost II

I am wandering the earth

Walking in circles towards you

and i am only

l

o

s

t

because you are not

looking for me,

never were.

The Poet

Why do you write? She asked

So i can take my love for you and give

it to the world, i reply.

Because you won't take it from me.

Enough

She said she was sorry

That she didn’t mean to cut so deep

Or cut at all

Sorry is just a word

Found in the dictionary between

Shit and syphilis

She asked what she could do, 

What help she could provide

When would it be enough?

That’s easy

It never will be

Arms and legs do not grow back

You don’t rise from the dead

She can escape this misery

(If she had any to begin with)

I can’t

Enough? No.

The only part of my life that has

Ever been enough

Was her

So how can anyone expect 

Some silly action or speech,

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men

Will ever put this shitty little scarecrow

Back together again?

Put In Some Work

we manage to

hold on to people

and things that are

temporary because

we lack the patience

to work long for

permanent happiness.

don't let your fear of

losing someone keep

you from meeting

your destiny.

That's why letting go is important. You can't be happy forever if you choose to let forever slip away from your hands.

Love Wild or Not At All

If there is one thing i have learned on my limited time on earth it is this. Life is too short to fall for people who don't love you loudly, or for relationships that don't set fire to your soul. Our time on this earth is impermanent and in those years we must love fearlessly. The person you're meant to be with will challenge you, will push you, will drive you crazy. Make you happy and confused and show you what real, complicated love is, all at the same time. The person you're meant to be with will terrify you because they make you feel something greater than anything and anyone else. So this is what you need to know about love- you must always chase the person who scares you. Don't settle for comfort, love wildly.