Trono di mancanza

“Why do you look so sad?”

“Because you speak to me in words and i look at you in feelings.”

Leo Tolstoy

Envy is said to only eat nothing but its own heart and this lately is inevitably turning true. Days feel i am being eaten from the inside out, over and over again. It is all consuming sometimes, especially with time to myself and to think and spin. My therapist (if you haven’t figured out I need one at this point I don’t know what to tell ya) asked if a feeling of calm, peace, happiness would feel uncomfortable, as opposed to this regular feeling of anger and misery. It obviously does if you read the previous posts and I am struggling to understand why, what and who. Before I can even dream of change I need to comprehend what exactly this is. I keep coming back to the same concept, envy. Like Greed, Envy is characterized by insatiable desire, but the sins differ for two main reasons. Firstly, Greed is normally associated with material wealth, whereas Envy can apply to other concepts, like love or success. Secondly, those who commit the sin of Envy desire something someone else has (or had in my case). Dante defines this as “love of one’s own good perverted to a desire to deprive other men of theirs.”. Profound words that make sense in most contexts, whether mine is not for me to say. And although I realize the last post in this vain was long and arduous I still find myself falling back to these ideas, like slipping into a war bath. Is it always when my goddess departs from my side? No but it seems to happen with frequency during those times. My therapist theorieses that is because for the first time in my existence I have something to lose, something that transcends my selfish ways and is more valuable than I could even comprehend. Almost so much so that it has thrown my whole thought process, my way of interacting socially and emotionally off its axis and I am trying desperately to regain some balance if not clarity. This being the first time in my life that an end to our relationship would be catastrophic inso that it would cost so so much to pick the pieces up and try to rebuild should this “house” fall down. Long distance relationships don’t have the same weight or stakes (for the most part, I realize I am speaking in superlatives) so it usually is a clean snap and away the two go, or at least been my experience. The emotional cost not withstanding as it is a break up and those suck, regardless of what type of relationship. 

Which leads to upper circles of this hellish inferno I’ve had leeching the life out of me. How many of these breakups before me mattered? Which were of significance? I can hear you now “why would you care?!” And that’s simple. At this moment I feel my goddess is in the “starting blocks” of a sprint to get away from me and my cancerous emanation, therefore I look to compare my situation to that of those who came before so perhaps I can salvage what remains and stitch us back together should she so desire. In every sense of the word I love my goddess and I will never stop trying for her, she deserves nothing less than a true zealot. And for the first time in her life she has one. No games, no strings, ulterior motive. I adore her for her, full stop. So why the envy?, you’ve won, you have her! They thought the same in one way or another. And although my love for her is pure and simple, in its very nature it makes me crave more and more. More than anyone else could even dream. Obsession? Perhaps. But then I’ve never seen a problem with someone being “obsessed” me (truth be told I never had the experience but alas it is what I hope for, hey one can dream). Now this thread brings me to the crux of this thought virus. 

Every now and then pictures will pop up like seeing a scar again and being reminded that the past is truly real. Pictures of the past, songs, poems, movies, shows etc. And we are both flung into the past down our separate paths. With a few examples that I’ve touched on before that appear to mean so so much. Don’t get me wrong I realize that with most of the ones that drive me batty it’s clearly the honeymoon stage and poof no more (so to speak), and I know we had the honeymoon stage as well. But here is where the envy arrives in all its power. These slime that don’t even deserve the privilege of her presence and they received so much more and longer than I. Deeper and more meaningful. Again I realize that looks can be deceiving and this is only the outside view but it’s all I have to go on. I am told again and again that “that was her then, she’s a different person now.” That is not a comforting thought. They received the fun with not work. I have received the work with very little fun. That’s. Not. Fair. I get it, life’s not fair. Totally agree and accept it. This is different. When we see injustice we are duty bound to confront it or at least acknowledge it. The issue being why is my goddess so eager to sprint away from me yet cling to the worst of people even through the worst of their behaviour and besides the fact it was completely wrong. This drudging up yet another rotten hydra head. 

My goddess is quick to correct me when I transgress, deserved most of the time I can not argue that fact. However when it comes to the blights that persist like an STD she will do naught. And not just them, others who wrong her, take advantage of her etc get zero straightening out. My sins are exactly that, sins. I deserve the correction, the rectification. But so do they, even more so. They deserve her scorn and malice, yet she meets them with cold indigence. Or worse, pleasant social behaviour as if nothing even happened. These fiends took advantage of her, disrespected her at every turn and threw her nothing fakery. My crimes, stupid as they were (and will be) are not for a lack of  love that is to say that they had no intention of causing harm especially to her. The parasites crimes on the other hand are black and numerous, and yet not a finger raised when they rear their ugly heads. So it’s layers packed on layers. This underlying sickness creeps its way throughout my life and mind and simply won’t let go. How does one get over wanting the past? The passion, the romance, the enormous depth of love and intimacy. How should I not covet those things? How do I let that go knowing although this is “real” as oppose to the fakery before that the passion was neigh unlimited. Poetry, music, hell even blogs like this. And I am saddled with the responsibility and work with the payoff being that when I die those here will be around me. Well the sad truth is that’s decades away, or not in which case I’ll have no idea being tho as I am dead. So why is it I have to wait? Why is it I am forced to accept the struggles of everyday life and family and yet receive nothing till the inevitable end? This is a moot point as not even my therapist could divulge a solution to this tangled mess. In fact I am again confronted with the same response; “that was then, she is different now.” How is that fair? Or even acceptable? I have to swallow the fact that the romance and intimacy that I have always dreamed of having is dead and gone? Or even worse the reality is that it was given to the worst of people who did not value it or even care. Yet I am the bad guy for wanting that. Now you see where the envy comes from. I want what was, I deserve it. For once in my wretched existence I am owed this whether it be a cosmic dept or otherwise. Faith finally has to be rewarded! It’s not fair! Why must I struggle while rot is given everything I have ever want?! Riddle me that!

Now you see my dilemma. I am here trying at the very least to let this go and find even one iota of peace and sanity. But it keeps bubbling up, or reappearing like a herpes outbreak (sorry for the graphic comparison but it’s all I could think of), and I am doomed to spin on this wheel over and over again. I wish nothing more than to be like those people who can toss these ideas away and never think of what was or could have been. But as I stated before I finally have something to lose, something I value more than life itself. I want all, and more than the rest. Is not a marriage supposed to be that? A union of two who promise to give each other more than ever before? I’m not being perverted either I mean emotionally, psychologically as well as the physical. The ability to let loose and show the other person exactly who you are, the release of the social mask and give the other person the keys to you. Perhaps I have too high minded a belief. Perhaps it’s way too fairy tale. Alas that must be another one of my burdens, want. My cross to bear. 

I have always struggled with the comparison of others. Measuring myself up to those around me. A bad idea at the best of times, double when you surrounded by the very definition of great men. Funnily enough my therapist is trying by hook or by crook to get some “self love” or a “positive personal truth” so to speak into me, which comes from the both of us measuring up myself with my friends and family. Poor thing she deserves a medal for this struggle. I have been ripping myself to pieces for years, she is simply outmatched when it comes to these mental gymnastics (ironic). So I ask the audience (if there is one); why am I no better than someone who would not only use my goddess like a toy, but use my goddess’s own daughter as nothing more than a tool to... get closer. Am I no better than that? Am I worth less than that pile of human excrement? Why am I valued so little compared to that?! Facts couldn’t care less about your feelings and it is plain as day that what I speak is fact. How am I so horrible? So rotten? To be gifted all the responsibility and work and struggle but nothing but what remains after that hurricane blasted what remained of passion and romance. I saw glimpses of it and fell so so hard, and even tho I am still falling and will forever it stings like a hot iron that I am aloud only a fraction of the capability my goddess possesses. I am eternally grateful for her coming for she saved me and continues to save me every day. I just with I mattered enough to at least come close to either what “it” received in terms of love and affection or the hope that someday I will. I hate that phrase “that was her then, she’s changed now.” I hate it so much. All that says is “get over it, this is reality now.” Which is not comforting or even reassuring to say the least. Perhaps my goddess chose me because I am safe, humble and down to earth. There is no fear of me stepping out of the boundaries of marriage for the only sins I’m capable of committing are just selfish inconsiderate ones. After a lifetime of the pinnacle of men whether it be money, influence, creativity you name it, she settled (make no mistake she settled hands down full stop) for trainable puppy dog. Someone she could finally control and mould like all deities have done or aim to do. I am but clay in her hands and want nothing more than to be hers. But this clay is not worth a few seconds to shoot off a text, or phone call just to say “I love you”. Or a two line email when we know “it” was given entire diatribes of affection and passion. Sadly that’s been my story for my entire life, always have I been the bottom brick in the pyramid and nothing more. An after thought, a piece of the furniture. Those “things” that used my goddess don’t even get to hear what she truly thinks about them, but I am smashed quickly and loudly so that there is no doubt going forward. The fact I am worth so very little comparatively is the worst feeling of unrequited love I have ever imagined. Blindsided continually at how little I matter compared to others it really is a blitzkrieg defeat I suffer over and over when I am reminded one way or another. Gutted at the thought of being valued less than a walking slime bucket, a serial user, the list goes on. 

Alas this is my only release. I fear that these ideas will not see the light of day any other way and even then I will be the only one to see it let alone appreciate it. Funny that none of what I stated can be debated or debunked. Facts are facts and until clear ones are brought forward that dispute what I’ve said it is the reality which I live. Believe me I would love to not think like this, it’s exhausting. I want nothing more than the bliss others have, the care free no anxiety life that looks so damn attractive especially at this point. But I am as god made me, a walking, talking, overthinking, rotten toad sitting upon a throne of want...

Endgame? Misery does love company

The following passage is lifted from one of my favourite movies, The Dark Knight. It’s a very potent and accurate quote in dozens of people’s lives not to mention my own. It truly answers the question of “what’s your endgame?” Or simply “why?” Well to put it bluntly and as simple as possible, I did it for the lol’s. Again I didn’t write the following it is from the movie the Dark Knight.

Alfred: You crossed the line first, sir. You squeezed them, you hammered them to the point of desperation. And in their desperation, they turned to a man they didn't fully understand.

Batman/Bruce Wayne: Criminals aren't complicated, Alfred. Just have to figure out what he's after.

Alfred: With respect Master Wayne, perhaps this is a man that you don't fully understand, either. A long time ago, I was in Burma. My friends and I were working for the local government. They were trying to buy the loyalty of tribal leaders by bribing them with precious stones. But their caravans were being raided in a forest north of Rangoon by a bandit. So, we went looking for the stones. But in six months, we never met anybody who traded with him. One day, I saw a child playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine. The bandit had been throwing them away.

Batman/Bruce Wayne: So why steal them? 

Alfred: Well, because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

The Thing from the stars

A Shard of alien malignity!

I have always loved H.P. Lovecraft. He brought to page and into our minds what fear really was. His vision of what fear is really really struck to the bone for most people who truly grasp his work. My favorite tome of his tho is "The color out of space", It rattles me cold everytime i read it. Its about a shard of "something" falling from space and infecting or rather draining the life out everything around a farm and countryside where the impact happened. It is always made out to be alive and described as simply " a color unlike any other" which again fascinates me. With most literature we all have our own visions of what the characters look like but this being a color brings to the imagination endless possibilities which feeds into the entire idea of the story. The people, the livestock, even the vegetation turns foul and sour. Twisting and rotting and becoming a husk of what the poor thing was. And one of the more fascinating parts is that the color just leaves, man has no say in its departure. We are so far removed from even contemplating what it is that we could no even dream to influence it in any way other than be something akin to food for it. Regardless of my quick coles notes on the story i highly recommend reading it in its original entirety, to fully grasp the horror. Why do i bring this up? Well believe it not i have found more than a few similarities between the story and events that have transpired this past year. 

Firstly, the color drains the life of all around it, emanating from a well on the farm. Much like myself who because of this wretched state i happen to be in i am unintentionally draining all those around me life, fervour and even investment in myself and what lies around me. My actions like the color are harming people regardless of what i "intend" to do. It really lies true that worst things ever perpetrated on earth were done with the best intentions. In the story the "sickness" or whatever you would call it once set in motion is almost a runaway harming and changing everything. It also starts gradually and builds up to a unbelievable crescendo. Much like me, it started so gradual and under the surface and no one saw this coming. It rings true, how do you boil a frog? If you throw it into a boiling pot it will jump right out, if you put it in a cold pot and gradually increase the heat the frog will sit and boil to death. Same here. If these issues had jumped out first thing many of the preceding things would not have happened. Alas this was a slow build so the harm came slowly. A fact i will never ever be able to forgive myself for, period. It is absolutely true not just with me but with most people that when you pull up the carpet you can find a lot of mould. It’s not pretty and that’s the point. 

The force from outer space is indescribable, much like that which avails me. I have no idea how to grasp it, and neither does anyone else. People without experience say “just be happy” like it was that simple. Those with experience are trying their best which I appreciate immensely. This uncontrollable rot, this gaping gangrenous wound that still needs to be stitched and bandaged shut. Instead of filling it with still water and salt hoping that it will just get better. The fear that this will never go away or that it will tarnish and decay the world around me beyond repair before being fixed haunts me constantly. 

Many parts of this bring fear to the forefront of my mind. I can’t explain it, I can’t describe it. All I know is it’s destructive potential and even tho great strides have been made (baby steps are still going forward) there is still much to do. Curiosity, interest and obsession - mile markers on my road to damnation. Am I doomed to an eternity of futile struggle? A penance for my unspeakable transgressions. As time wears on, my wild policy of self experimention has grown intolerable. I am trying near anything to gain some insight (grant us eyes) into the growing horror beneath the layers of my mind. The change in me is appalling, and, unable anymore to stomach it I beg for absolution of ANY kind. I seem to be failing spectacularly, which defeats me thoroughly. Corruption has soaked the soil of my life, sapping all good life from these “groves” - I need to burn out all I can to cauterize the wound. The thing I have become cannot be described, an incoherent jumble of organ, sinew and bone. Yet in all this madness my goddess, a beacon in the darkness, stars in the emptiness of the void. Great adversity has a beauty, it is the fire that tempers the blade. Oh how this tempering has dragged on for an eternity. 

Do you know that fear? Do you feel that pain? Do you have the insight to see this sort of malignancy in your own life? We all have wounds that need filling, mine just grew and gasped beyond my own reasoning. We all have the potential to become twisted and maniacal, a slathering testament to the powers of corruption. Would you be like me should your wounds grow wild? A travesty, a blundering mountain of hatred and rage.  

Now this needs to wrap up, I apologize for I just needed to shout into the night. The sky and the cosmos are one. Keeping with the theme I seem to be beyond those around me. Unlike those with the ability to just “shrug things off” and not ruminate on every event or action that occurs in my life. Star-spawned and withering. Battered and broken I still stand, oddly enough. Who among us could fathom the hateful scorn of the swirling stars that could create such oil laden starlight. A phoenix that forgot to un-ash so to speak. I havnt a clue why I cannot void my mind of this lurching composition of otherworldly misery. I look into the mirror and see nothing but a denizen of unconscionable alienage. Born of the stars I shriek to my goddess in the hopes that she can sooth this rattling crystalline bulk of nightmare made material. Hoping and praying to return to the stars whence this menace came.