Deep

And when a reality

turns into a memory,

may you pull it closer

to your heart.

For it's all

we have left to hold,

when that reality

settles too deeply

Buried

Bury me within

each grain of sand

trickling between

the curves of your figure-

for, i want to be

completely consumed

by every once

that is you. 

Something Else

There were so many things

i had written between the lines

in hopes you would one day see

everything my heart locks away.

But your eyes were set

on something else.

This Is What i See

You are a diamond 

amongst gathered rocks,

and how i hope

there comes a day

when you finally see

how all you imperfections

shine more brightly

than the sun's rays.

The View From Up Here

from the turret's single window

i covet the capacious freedom outside,

but the castle walls rise from God's own hands.

Though i would climb spires like a mad man

and fling myself into the sky,

i would only land again in this tower,

my death an escape wrenched from my threadbare soul

What Are You?

What are you?

How are you?

Not in the common sense but really How

can you be?

like this

out of the Bible or Torah.

A force of pages made flesh.

Dream like,

untouchable.

And yet i hunger for every inch

of you.

 

Old Playboys

the night was soft in serendipity

and her eyes made his blood rise,

like the centerfolds in the magazines

that he used to find

in his father's basement

The End Of The Line

i cannot tell you when i will arrive

but i can tell you that i will

arrive.

At journey's end

perhaps a bit bloody,

certainly filthy,

bruised knuckles, aching joints,

stinking of screams and defeat.

And i will weep such relief

collapsing to my knees on the road's final stone,

a guttural gasp of my sobs

will make earthquakes and volcanoes

that topple and burn the tower

of sacrifices i made to get here.

And i will be weightless.

And free

You God Damn Right

something random

as i reverse roles

and revel in righteousness

i reveal my right

i reveal the red

in my eyes

run away

run away

return never

till the reaping days

return and roll over

and become ravished by the raw

the hunger for relishing in your enemies

remember

death is not the end

remember me.

Hara-Kiri

i'm not sure i could've guessed that my destiny 

would be cut from my own flesh.

i thought martyrdom would be one moments fiat.

i did not know it would be watered daily with my blood,

that i would be made to butcher myself slowly.

i thought i would die in a burst of fiery defiance-

"Tennōheika Banzai!"

i did not know that i would have to die for Him quietly.

Repeatedly.

And that i would have to hold the sword myself.

Words Are Winds Of Winter

Prayers begin as snowflakes

and i have prayed myself a wintry palace of glistening white.

And as i sway to the moan of trees in the unforgiving wind

my milky sighs for a cold cloud of supplication

with plucking of silvery heartstrings

i beseech the full moon.

Frosted nightfall does not dissuade me.

The depth of my desire makes blizzards,

swirling, ashen winds

wrapping me like a burial shroud.

and the intensity of my belief calls down God's mercy,

which melts all the snow into white hot joy.

Wild One

My soul (should i have actually have one) is wandering places you cannot follow

and as much as i may lament my solitude,

i will dance in the rain with my daughter,

pulling every drop from the clouds

and pressing them close to my heart.

Because it's the rain that turns me into fire.

It's the rain that puts embers in my flesh

and conflagration in my eyes.

It's the rain that names me Aramusha

and begets the frenzied bravery i will need to trek onward home

Silly Boy, You Had No Idea

i've learned to erase

the ways i tricked my body to love her.

the way my eyes only searched 

for empty, for lacking,

so i could fill her cold, vacant center

with febrile warm.

just to be spilled from her steel fire eyes.

Just to be the man she smiled for.

Some stay empty

Seasons Of Her

she's cycling through four seasons

laying heavens as spring falls

summer nights, silky wet

spring on a midsummer day.

autumn drops like falling heavens

dripping high hells of baritone sopranos.

as she sinks deep into warm pedals of 

alternating currents

What Did It Feel Like?

one day you will meet someone

who will see the universe 

that was knitted into your bones,

and the embers of galaxies glow to life in your eyes.

And you will finally know

what love is supposed to feel like.

Shreds Of Shame

you wanted me to wear shame always

you wanted to watch it slide down my skin like hot tar,

pulling me apart as it went.

As soon as any of the burns started to scab over

you were there to cut into me again.

Etching all the reasons i was wrong into my identity,

sewing my eyes shut

so i couldn't see anything but this mutilated version of myself

you created along side my abject failure you put into motion.

i wonder if you know what it's like to rip stitches from your own eyes.

i thought of making new skin, too.

like the snake you always imagined i was. 

but i decided to keep the scars, add them to the pile. 

because i am not ashamed of anything anymore except you

and the scars are a warning:

i've been eviscerated more than i can count

by the one singular person who was not supposed to.

Imagine what else i could weather and still keep kicking

To Be But Not To Be

to be you pen;

to be held in the cradle of your

hands like a habit

to be your bed;

taking the weight of this world off

your body; holding you gently

to be your eyes;

seeing the world in a kaleidoscope

of depth and energy

to be you mind;

deep and busily pondering that

which normally goes unseen

to be your words;

dancing off the page and into a

heart that goes unheard

to be your soul;

old and navigating a world that

you don't feel you belong to

i could build a home

in the space between

my secret desire

to be your everything.

Little Pieces Of What i See

silk on her ribbons

unravelings.

emerald crystals

throne chairs.

champagne splice

bubbles drip

soaking wet

entangles.

Moons Of Jupiter

You are Jupiter

and i simply Io

But you are not 

the pen to my ink

not anymore.

Hell Isn't Hot, Hell Is Water

All you wanted

was a drop of rain,

but i gave you a fucking hurricane.

You told me no more,

but don't you understand?

i can only ever love

in the measure of oceans

or not at all. 

That's Happiness

i'm beginning to recognize that real happiness isn't something large and looming on the horizon ahead but something small, numerous and already here. The smile of someone you love. A decent breakfast. The warm sunset. Your little everyday joys all lined up in a row. 

Flayed Ghost

The last stained piece of me will die with you.

i have peeled off all my skin

to let fall everything trapped under it.

And i have no more tears or scars or tattooed obligation.

i have burning, bleeding, flayed to the bone joy.

You may think that you will haunt me,

but i assure you that

i don't believe in ghosts

Empire State Of Mind

i won't live long enough

to recount all the watchful things you have said to me,

all the times i have stared into you white light

believing in miracles.

First kisses, first fights, last chances.

You could pen a damning history indeed.

You saw the escape, me chasing you, and now my rebirth.

The number of hours i have spent wandering beneath you

heartsick and weary-

just so very weary.

and you, hung there in splendor

with your eerie solace.

You have given me peace that defies logic,

knitting me together over miles

and binding me to all that is home

All That Wonder

i wonder 

if you wonder

what i'm up to these days;

if you still find me in every song

and wonder if you should have stayed.

i wonder if i should have

played if cooler from the start.

i wonder if i'd shown less love,

would you have found any value or worth

to my heart and that i was giving 

every inch of it to you?

but i got the answer that i wondered,

now quite some time ago;

that if you ever have to wonder

then you soul already knows.

so when the day finally comes,

when you wonder about someone new...

i hope he never has to wonder

how he'll ever survive

y

o

u

Aim For The Stars

How funny

that after her

i set my sights so high

into a cemetery of stars;

burning lines along rye dye skies

across heavens ink blue body,

where i searched for angels

and only found the devil with a halo

What i Bleed

i love when there's whiskey in my blood

it's pretty much my default setting.

rolling through the red waves

washing over all the things that live inside me.

Things like hurricanes and fields of those little blue flowers

i know you remember,

wildfire and moonlight,

things like church bells, low skies and rain.

Rain. Rain.

Things like poetry,

and you.

wine-soaked and blood drenched,

fighting from me from the inside out.

Grow Some Hope

Somehow, from the barren soil of my soul

there has grown a tree whose naked branches are hope. 

They reach in vine like tendrils

for every drop of starlight,

drinking themselves into manic ecstasy,

pulling down the sky.

Ravenous hope,

twisting and squeezing the clouds

drenching themselves in gathered rain

growing, grasping, breathing

until hope makes a canopy

under which i shelter in patient sorrow,

waiting for the day these branches become kindling

for the fire that avenges me

with smokey sights.

Learn From The Past

Don't you dare

not again

Just don't say love,

because when i comes

to love and to be loved,

i always slice a finger

on those who must 

lose it all, lose all of me

to realize that maybe,

it was enough,

we were enough.

(but, it's always too late)

Why

why are you on my mind still-

when you are long gone?

why are you in my dreams-

when you are no longer part of them?

why do i feel you close-

when you're nowhere to be found?

Hell On Wheels

Every time i think i'm almost home

this train finds a fresh set of track

through new madness.

there's more despair to be hurtled toward

further down the mountain

and i am against the window,

hands splayed, screaming

feeling the car perilously seesaw

as it lurches forward.

The train tries to shake the dreams from my head

looking for anything else it can take from me.

The years i've ridden quietly,

bending and accepting,

no longer satisfy my life sentence.

This ride ends on fire.

And if i have to burn the train down

while i'm still inside to escape,

you'll be horror struck

at how quickly i'll find a match

What A Lovely Prize

This may shock you (sarcasm)

but i went to look for joy in some filthy places-

places i knew were probably peddling counterfeit goods,

but everything was so shiny.

and sometimes just to have pretend, just to 

be ignorant of the fact, makes it all so worth while.

i found joy once

and, believe you me,

it fucking found me back.

But the devil wanted to see if she could turn me

by taking it.

Now all i have is a hole

stuffed with prayers that God won't hear,

and my only joy is knowing

that my persistence makes the devil spit.

i win by not losing,

there won't be a trophy,

my prize is death.

the sweet embrace of the beyond

Away

when you stood up

walked away, barefoot

and the grass where you lay

left a bed in your shape

i looked over it 

and i ached

Still

the dark that used to envelope me

now devours me instead.

as i lay on the funeral pyre

of a bed burning with memories and regrets...

i can almost feel you breathing next to me

you haunt this house

like you specterize my soul;

your velvet voice in echo,

your hand prints on the walls,

your clothes strewn on the floor

...the slamming of apathetic doors as you leave like you always intended

the paradox of tears?

They help you see more clearly.

And i can't say i like the truth

Forget the promise of an afterlife;

i just need an after-you.

Nice Vocab

You cannot make my words empty

meaning will always cling to them.

Gunking up the corners and crevices,

settling in the open vowels

painting a treasure map

to the inside of my insides

where my heart is crowned god king

and holds court in spellbound celebration

to all that i am and all i ever will be

Two Sides Of The Same Coin

my heart is a refugee from my own brain,

from the relentless billowing swamp of worry and pain,

of psychosis masquerading as clarity.

The brave thing would be to do it.

a flicker of light bouncing off steel.

Do. It.

O, sweet, swampy, oozy head.

Do you know the heaviness of all you ask me to carry?

It i cannot cleave myself from you

i will be crushed under the weight

O, stoic and unstoppable heart,

do not run from me.

If i cannot lean against you

All is lost

Flow

Remember

the rivers are convinced

there are free to flow wherever

but they always end up

finding their way back

to the ocean one day.

Each man looking for salvation by himself

for himself

Each like a coal thrown from the fire

Lost At Sea

if water washes away our sins,

let me cast myself in.

send me away

on the end of a moon-ray;

absent from the tide and pull of gravity.

The ground neither contains me

nor restrains me.

For i was cursed with feet

and flawed humanity

instead of the fins due me

my soul was made for swimming

So float me out,

let me weep

let the waves carry away

the pieces of me

that need cleansing.

This sort of breaking

feels strangely like healing,

as i'm swallowed in the sea.

i'm eyeing the horizon line;

with raindrop eyes like wind chimes,

to where the land and sea

start disappearing,

and become one...

within me.

Poetry?

Poetry?

Hell that's easy

i just let you slice the vein and smile, 

as you let it bleed

Essence

it's both beautiful and sad

to be in love with someone 

you will never have. 

Rain can be beautiful

snow can be beautiful

but how they make you feel 

that is where the essence lies. 

Thoughts For The Night

if you could snatch

away my charm

you would

and make it yours.

you were never envious

just inspired.

how quickly you forget i was 

the drive, 

the pushing force

the will,

your will.

would you stop 

calling me sane

if i say that hate is a form

of love too?

you can't hate something

without knowing what you're hating

without knowing why you're hating it.

There is always a reason, legit

or not.

when you reach to a conclusion 

that you it,

have you not loved it already?

Nothing

do the dead envy the living?

how could they?

their struggle is over

no more pain

no more want

no more... anything

nothing at all.

imagine that,

imagine nothing at all.

is there anything more beautiful than that?

What Do You Feel?

i miss the feeling

of feeling anything

at all

however

to see your face and

feel nothing

that would be peace

at last

Look! i'm Picasso!

Once, Picasso was asked what his paintings

meant. He said, 'Do you ever know what the birds are singing?

You don't. But you listen to them anyway.' So, sometimes with art,

it is important just to look.

Nothing But Brine

the waves have no burden

if they crumble

while they meet the shore

and

i have always been 

more salt and sea

than flesh and bone

Retirement

at what point do we put down the bat?

When is it ok to realize you probably shouldn't be playing baseball?

or golf?

When do you realize you are far too outmatched and 

will never anything other than shit at the game?

Losing isn't fun, we play these games for fun.

We participate for fun.

When it isn't fun, can you give up then?

What then?

Retiring at a young age and watching everyone else

play and enjoy the game you gave up doesn't sound like a great time.

But then is it your fault or the gods for blessing everyone else

with the skill and mastery to play what you wish to play?

Do you accept your position in the empty bleachers

or keep smashing you face against the cold hard reality

of failure incarnate? 

When i am aloud to retire and finally have a rest

from all the strikeouts and errors.

The unending injuries and embarrassment. 

When can i throw in the towel because i have no fight left,

no game as it's called in the dog fighting world.

How many swings of the bat do i have to give before

its apparent i ain't fucking hitting shit?

When will you let me slip away into the peace 

i have wanted for so so long.

Sometimes giving up seems so much better than

and unending nightmare. 

This game sux.

i Remember

i remember

speaking of love

from the heart or what passes for one-

speaking of you and only you.

but you had your

eyes closed

and joined hands

with another

What Kind Of Creature...

Here is the thing...

my mirror shows me things you cannot see

you can't see the doubt that never being enough has 

sewn into my ears so deep i can hardly know where it began.

the long scar dug into me

by searching for love in minefields and then

wondering why ive been blown apart

the purple bruising left by mighty rivers of tears and blood-

tearing down my cheeks

flooding my hands and soul

tears soaking the sheets and endless pages

and every prayer i can force myself to howl

from my pitted stomach and aching existence of pain.

you can't see my gaping chest or where my heart used to be, 

if i ever had one in the first place.

But like Frankenstein's monster i am 

gruesomely stitched together with bits and pieces 

of what was left my own life and the lives of others.

only i know the waking death

that has been the price of my survival.

So, when i tell you i am not handsome, desirable, beautiful or any other word you find,

You just have to trust me... 

That is Quite the View

My soul (if i have one, the jury is still deliberating)

is a killing field

harsh and unforgiving

burned and salted

i could cry less

if i stopped trying to grow flowers

in the burnt out shell holes 

of long forgotten conflicts

if i stopped expecting anyone 

who journeys into this tomb like wasteland to stay.

i am only a thoroughfare

uninhabitable badlands of the long dead

endless footprints of smiling demons 

trailing outward. 

Away 

All That Is Left

the tears dried up

the memories faded,

all the remained 

was the emptiness.

Hollow

it is the closest feeling i can attribute to

whatever this is that i am

i did not create this

but i am stuck with this

and i am horrified that once again

i will be left with the hunger

the need

the want

for what?

to be whole again

to fill the chasm 

to close the wound that has been torn 

into the very fabric of my being.

there is no feeling, no warmth,

like a corpse

all i am left with is the emptiness of what was

and what will never be

do the dead rise? 

what is dead may never die indeed

How?

How?

How i wonder can you be happy

with...that?

How does one not compare?

How does one just let go of the colossal affront?

Do you even see how low you have gone?

How does one compromise all values and principles?

You stand for nothing now.

No standards, nothing.

Is this recreation real or just a moment in my mind?

And does it matter that i do it at all?

How?...

Words

don't get seduced 

by my words and wind,

don't just find them intriguing 

or lovely.

maybe feel them

maybe live them

maybe sink them in

and see what happens.

Words are wind,

but you can feel wind

wind can effect you.

Let my words do the same.

Gone today

i guess today

i have gone to lose you

the same way

i lost me

when i have gone

to you

Winged Victory

the unadulterated power required 

to hold back the avalanche in my throat

doesn't come to the fainthearted.

i have excavated my own entrails

for my sovereignty

i have tasted the exsanguinated corpse of war

in ways you could never bear

because i believe there are things for which

we are meant to fight.

and more than anything

there is power in belief,

this belief will be sunk into my marrow

long after i am dead.

No amount of purgation

could burn away the immutability of this gospel.

Ashes To Ashes

i wake sometimes

with the glitter of dreams still clouding my eyes,

half in this world, half  in the one that exists inside my head,

but more than that

a dream world that unites my head and my heart

and spills into my prayers.

All this golden ash is you.

burned from hope and belief

and left messy on my skin.

there is no wiping you away

but only smearing you in.

i wear your colors like an heirloom

you were always mine,

from before time.

Coming And Going

you drew a line

in the sands of time

to separate yourself from me

you left me grieving

a loss i never even knew

and the future and what used to be 

simultaneously.

Those lines that separate

too little and too late

are still connected

because some ties

cannot be severed.

i imagine getting home from work

and you waiting at the door

a smile would light your face

and i for once wouldn't be something to put away.

on a acreage not too many k's away

you live out your days

not so far away from me

you go about your life

and your sleepless nights

and i don't know if you think of mine,

i doubt it,

why would you now?

like parallel lines

are now parallel lives

Do you ever think of me? Do you ever find yourself wondering what i've been doing; where i am; how i've changed? Do you ever sit with the small space in your heart still dedicated to me (if there ever was such a place to begin with mind you) and miss me viscerally? Do you sit with...him... at night and secretly let me loose in you mind, rendering miles invisible and imagining me walking rooms i know you remember? We might as well be in the same room, and we might as well be a thousand miles away. The wheel of this world has continued to turn, long after our crash and burn. Your silence still screams in echoes that reverberate in the dark corners of me that still bear your name. That's what marriage is, or was. But this is what you wanted. Money, a fat hated and isolated pleb who you can control and use just as he uses you with his hilarious physique, balding head and style of a nine year old, enjoy sharing a life with a bloated corpse of a man who thinks he's peter pan lol. You chose to keep me away, you chose to walk away and despite my problems and issues i loved all of yours. This one is not the first bloated corpse you decided to be a whore for, the first one was just alittle more tanned and had more hair, albeit just a shit in every other respect. We all have our kinks i guess. You chose instead to leave than to work. You took the easy way. Hell all you have to do let him rut around on you for a few minutes with his minuscule equipment (i am proud that i was blessed in several ways, from what i hear he was not lol) and then look at all the perks! He is isolated because he is hated, and you gain access to money and all the things it buys for literal no effort. No work. You don't have to work on him or you, sweet gig. 

The time will come when you look back and regret being such a coward. Perhaps when he has has his fill with you and moved on, unless he cant at this point we do live in a small town and his reputation precedes him. So maybe the both of you are stuck together. You will regret it. i already am not what i used to be. i am better while you whither away. Like a single lane highway i am coming and you are going, parallel till the end. Enjoy. 

Sometimes

sometimes i miss your touch,

the way your hands would create waves of love 

(or what i imagined love would be)

on my chest and completely disrupt 

the peace of my heart and soul.

sometimes

i miss your eyes,

the blue oceans of steel

endless creativity and energy

now only searching for money 

and domination, control.

i miss the way they would look

into my own dull voids 

and control my thoughts,

guide my mind

and opened up within me something i never

thought possible for a rotten

wretch

like me. 

How Do You Have Peace?

feeling like a rose

that's wilting away,

day by day,

you followed me home

through every twist

every turn.

i thought i left you are the door

wanting you no more

the times you left me breathless

the times you left me raw

i don't know you anymore

let me live at peace.

my heart or what passes for it

does not want blame,

anxiety is not my name

Don't Be

alot of them

wanted to save me,

alot of them

wanted to protect me,

alot of them

wanted to guide me,

and the funny part is

that i was asking for 

none of that.

don't be 

my guiding light,

i can guide myself to hell

i know the way.

just be my muse.

like you were for him