The Pit and the Pendulum

Back and forth, back and forth. This dance is draining on all parties. I lose myself to the weight of it all and my goddess is then forced to deal with it, bringing her down with it. Slowly and methodically over and over i sadly make her suffer when i only want to opposite. i know things will get better with time, but i dont know if i have the time. More and more its looking like rope that will hang me if i continue to do the same things over and over. In this pit there are there are just some invariable truths that i am going to have to get over, again taking time. Make a house a home it seems, have a tidy round. My goddess deserves nothing less but effort and vigilance. We have all the makings for bliss, attraction, energy, intelligence, want and devotion. We only need to get off this rail track before we are smacked head on.

I came to these thoughts after reading the classic tale and saw in it the vision of my own life. Back and forth this little dance between my goddess and i goes, strapped to a table awaiting disaster. To brake the shackles and remove myself from the current state is of the utmost importance, there is nothing else. Sitting idly by and waiting, doing nothing to change this predicament invites catastrophe for everyone involved. Besides i war raised better and should finally show it. My goddess has been patient enough, its time to get to work and prove that her faith in her zealot as been rewarded justly so. I only hope it is not too late. A nick or a cut will be the least of my worries should i doddle.

Starlight Road

Sabaism

The worship of stars

The Sky and the cosmos are One

A horrible day. Rotten and full of discontent. Beginning to end it had the feel of the Bataan death march. Then a night dark and full of terrors, alone for the most part and cold. Then my goddess, in all her splendor and mercy did the littlest of things...she touched me. Just my feet with hers (im hoping intentionally lol) and with that the way out of the pit is visible. These storms we are weathering can be felled, they can be beaten. But it rests with her now, my path is set and i am going forward. My hope is she allows me mercy and grace as she has done for the villains in her story (her capacity for forgiveness on their account still boggles the mind but i digress). 

Slowly the day unwinds and i am shocked to find that it progresses in stark contrast to the one before. My goddess finally shows that she is bearing almost entirely too much weight and brakes down. And not on my account is the struggle either which is a welcome surprise. Common cause to fight can bring us forward, together we can conquer as we are destined. I want nothing but to worship, she deserves nothing less. There is no love for her like mine (poor thing) and there is not a single collection of atoms on earth that compares to her grace, beauty and divinity. Her immediate response to this is that she is far from perfect, and that is the key. In her imperfection she is so so perfect. Regardless of what she will say or think she is divine in all but name (and even her name makes me weak). With just a look, i am rendered dumb. She looked at me with humanity today and i am dissolved into a mixture of heart bursting joy and mind altering awe. Such a little thing a look, but the power of a look i have not received in some time due to my own poor choices cannot be understated. 

I am still the same wretch as before. Just this road no longer is bleak and blighted but made of pure starlight, to wander above the heavens among the endless colors of the cosmos. We wander together, i hope she knows this. Together we wander and we are most certainly lost among the stars. In bliss and happiness we can be lost and its ok. No need to steal a line from Tolkien here (lord knows that ugly rotten dinosaur she knew did enough of that) wandering does not mean we are lost but sometimes being lost in the heavens like we (my goddess and i) can be is truly magnificent. Her back amongst her people. Myself in awe as i should be. And to think this entire diatribe started with a touch and a look...   

Unrequited Love

When the senses are shaken, and the soul is driven to madness, who can stand?

William Blake

We define love as we have experienced it I find. Most people any way. Our priorities and values, everything comes from our experiences. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. At this point I expect pretty much nothing and yet am continually disappointed. But here is the confounding thing, I have never in the past been a “priority” or “preference” so I find it maddening that now of all times now I am thrashing about like a child. For two years I have had to compromise my passion and intimacy for one reason or another and it sadly keeps boiling down to the same basic principle: my goddess was pure passion, intimacy, fire, soul, adventure and fun. But she gave that all away, and now I am left trying not only to repair the broken pieces left but trying to scrape something together for myself as well. A task I am seemingly bumbling at over and over. I am hurting my goddess and now that I am trying correct myself and the inadequacies that are to numerous to count I keep knocking over the China so to speak. The sad part is that at this point I will never be fulfilled, the hole is far too deep. And again the sordid part of this whole mess is that neither of us are wrong or not right. I would of course be quick to blame myself but I’m being told I should stop that. Old habits die hard. For some anyway. 

It is that point exactly why I have no idea why I, my goddess’s supposed champion, is left driven back into the mud? Why the pathetic and delinquent who used my goddess (and her daughter) was given the world and I so very very little. I have heard “this is real, that wasn’t”, well real is simply pain and misery which isn’t fair or right. Again I am not expecting to be at the top of the heap, but should at least be somewhat sometime treated like those who never deserved to be on it in the first place. Am I not better than scum and slime? No, it would appear. Hell words mean nothing when you are faced with this reality every day. All I ask for is some grace, and I am given work and struggle. A long slow drudge through the cold mud in the dark. 

At first glance I would say ignorance is bliss, although if I were to have found out the differences in treatment now it probably would have sent me off the deep end. More than I am now believe it or not. And I have railed like beast about this over and over and over again. I wish it wasn’t so. I have no way else of releasing this sickness. I am drowning over and over but I simply won’t fucking die. I do not know how to fix this either (I.e. see the comment about knocking over the China lol). So rock meet hard place apparently. The future is bleak. I will either fix myself and who knows what damage that process will cause to those around me. Or I won’t and I will be left alone as I always have been only in a deeper darker pit than before. 

So the fundamental question remains. Am I no better than any of those who came before? Looking at straight up evidence and facts, no I am not. In fact it would appear I’m far worse. So why then has my goddess settled (make no mistake, she has settled) for me? Is it because she has found a true zealot? A devotee who will never lose faith and reject or abandone his one true love? I really don’t know the answer to that but I hope that’s not the reason. I hope it is genuine love out of her part and the sorry state we find ourselves in is because of my doing or perhaps some outside force. If that be the case it can be fixed, saved or heal. But the gaps in our love can not be over stated or ignored, my goddess is world, is my mind and that is an understatement to say the least. I fear I rarely cross my goddess’s mind, I am a cog in the wheel and nothing more. Actions not words I am told over and over  again so that makes this reality I find myself in even harder to swallow. 

I do not see myself as low. Regardless of the low opinion I have of myself and the evidence before me as testament to the findings. I prefer to hold the belief I am a good thing overall. Blighted as I am. And I do not intend to leave this path I’m set on. I will continue to mend what needs mending and see where the chips lie. I can only hope my goddess truly recognizes this devotion and effort that ultimatly I am doing for the good of our children and her. At this point the ball is really in her court. She is truly the most magnificent thing to ever grace my life. She is the single strand of moonlight that I am trying to crawl up. That’s a Buddhist tale for another time but long and short she is my salvation. I pray that what would appear as unrequited love turns out to be just a silly illusion. That it all was real and pure. All the time, effort and love was solid and this storm merely hardening our resolve for the future. If this really is adult life then I guess my blood merely needs to thicken like the first cold snap of winter. You get over the cold and carry on. Which in the end I believe we will do if I march on and repair what needs.

This will not be easy. Nothing worth doing ever is but her will be done. She deserves nothing less. All I need is time. That’s the thing with unrequited love, with time it becomes a memory. As this will, and any time after this. It is the oldest story in the book, man wants the one thing he cannot have. But it passes. And that memory fuels all the others after. Building higher and stronger than before. A monument to the past, scars to remind us that it happened.