Emotional Anorexia

This song is beyond beautiful and this musician(Svavar Knutur) is beyond talented. Check him out on YouTube I cannot recommend him enough. His insight is staggering...


Emotional Anorexia

Morning grows near, oh I wish you were here, 
as I toss and I turn in my bed. 
I long for your touch and I miss you so much 
and the silence has torn me to shreds. 

But even in longing, I still feel the pronging 
of misery's poisonous claws, 
when in your perfection I catch my reflection 
and in it my numerous flaws. 


Babe, don't be afraid, 
you know I love you with all of my heart.
Please listen to me,
don't let those wicked thoughts tear us apart.


You're brave and you're strong, I am timid and wrong,
you're a diamond and I am but coal.
You're the moon and the stars, I am ashes and tar,
you're a nightingale I am a mole.


Babe, don't think that way,
these are the demons that bite at your soul.
Please, come back to me,
you're losing your mind and you're out of control.


Well, this is my curse and it keeps getting worse
as I can't hold these bad thoughts at bay.
So I'll whine and I'll moan and I'll cry on the phone
'till I finally drive you away.

And then I will ride with my deflated pride
and the warmth of the blood in my shoe,
'till an ugly old scar and a broken guitar
will be all that reminds me of you.

By: Svavar Knutur

Patience please, patience and time

The "child" is bleeding out into our life this weekend. Let my guard down for just a few moments and bam! He escapes. His awful negativity made my goddess weep and that cut like you wouldn't believe. I was the cause of this and I can't stand it. Maybe it's the stress that I had a moment or two of weakness I don't know. I must admit he is getting so loud with "his" worries and yet there is no need. The dinosaur is a world away and although he hurt my goddess in ways which make me weep he doesn't matter anymore. But still "he" natters on and makes me weary. That I think is why in all this wonderment of change I still find myself moody, like a child. I love this change and the path to a bright future is ahead and I can't even keep myself still I'm so excited! But I let my guard down for one moment and that happens. Well no more, I must be more vigilant for both our sakes. I make her happy and I plan to keep that going. For she is my everything and always, my goddess.

I must admit this is getting better. For every setback there is much more brevity which is an immense comfort. I need only find little tricks to keep the "child" locked up and distracted and then everything is right and good. There is not much I hate outside of myself but I hate seeing my goddess cry especially on account of my actions. I will be better tho, the signs are already pointing in that direction. Just takes time and practice. And of course with her help we will silence the past and give the "child" no reason to chordal on like so. Maybe it's because "he" can't wrap his head around the situation (although there is no situation, it's the past and all that's left is memories), I can at least understand that. I must admit these writings are therapy for me, like a massage of sorts to brake up the scar tissue and ease the toxins away. My only fear is that I hope this doesn't hurt her, That's the last thing I'd ever want to do. This is just a breath of fresh air and putting these claws of misery out in the open gives them a chance to dry up and go away. For one thing is certain, I am completely and utterly committed to my goddess and the path ahead, with no doubt in my mind she is the one for me. I spend my days dreaming of ways to make her smile, a smile that drives me crazy...er lol. I just know that my problems are my own (a cross to bear if you will) and with alittle patience and time all will be right and I can be like everyone else, patience and time...

A petulant child

He is noisy today, loud and obnoxious. And yet no doubts, his noise never once says anything about doubting or quitting. Just reaffirming "his" belief of me. Rotten ash as it were. Will you ever be what he was? Do you fulfill your goddess as he did? Do you make her flutter as he did? Do you bring her peace as he did and yet spice up her life? I don't know if want to know these answers but I do believe I do. I am younger (albeit not young), I certainly think better looking. But I offer boringness, he offered excitement. He is a genius (and yet sometimes so freaking stupid), I am not. I have immense passion but did he? I don't know why these questions persist or why they matter to "him" but for some reason today he will not shut up and it is growing tiresome. I need my goddess immensely today, with her I can't hear anything but her light. She eats the "other" and refills me with joy. Even "he" is silent when confronted with her perfection. And let's get one thing straight, this is not co-dependency by any stretch. Both of us can function without the other (regardless of how much we don't want to lol), we are beyond devoted to each other yet won't put up with garbage. We are madly deeply in love but not dependent on it. Utterly devoted would be one way of saying it. We can survive alone but for the first time in our lives we needent and that fills us both with such serendipity that our storms are over and no mountains left to climb, here and now together is all we want. I her faithful studious knight, her my goddess and saviour which lifts me up out of the muck.

I cannot wait for this day to pass so that she might embrace me with her energy and light. Being apart is definitely hard but it makes the moment when we come together all the better. The silence from "him" will subside in time, till then I just keep my faith and soldier on with the knowledge that I am loved and so is she. My goddess, my love, my missing piece.

Prayer of thanks

Clean white falling snow

So thankful for my moonlight

Her knight has come home

Hmmm

Armour of the pitiable Embraced Knight.
 Depicts the affection of his goddess.

Adrift on sea of isolation, only his faith in the love of his goddess remained true, and so the knight forsook all else. The face is crafted to depict the goddess's embrace.

Stars

You are made of stars

That's why you match them so well

My guiding moonlight 

End of the Pilgrimage

At long last it seems the road is finally (mercifully) at an end...

I take time to reflect on this pilgrimage I've taken and I find that it always was to bring me to here. My loathing and self hatred does have purpose. It's not hate for hatereds sake, it is all for her. My goddess fits my broken cracks of my psyche perfectly and mine hers. She is just as broken as I and through dutiful worship we make each other whole. I her human dreg and her my beautiful muse. She has loved and lost (more so than I could ever imagine) and I am here at the end of this winding broken path to make sure that need never happen again. Regardless of the "other" in my mind and all his constant insecurities about her past I am still here not there (as there is a time and nothing remains but the memories of time before). So I shut him up and out of this time as best I can and although he breaks free of the chains I put him in my path is finally clear. She burns away the rot and stagnation, she makes the water flow yet again as it did many years ago before I was brought low by love and life. The dregs still remain but for the first time I can see it clearing away which is beyond a comfort. Just for that she deserves to be worshipped but it's everything else she does that garnashes praise, her touch and soft voice which massages the soul. Her genuine sincerity that moves like I've never felt before. She eats the pain and dark and fills my head with light. It is unlike anything I've ever felt before and I am grateful, so very very grateful.

Don't get me wrong I fear. I fear almost too much and need to pull back on the reigns of this runaway steed because I don't want to cause her pain for her love is not to be wasted or trifled with. She does not give it out frivolously and it is such a special gift it needs to be appreciated as such, a gift. And perhaps that's what drives the "other" so mad, is that my goddess was used, her love abused by a trickster and a charlatan. An odd situation in my very naive scope but she loved him deeply like no other before and he used that over a long period of time. His fear (the "other") is that she reveled in it,  and it is apparent that she loved this dinosaur more deeply and hard than anyone before. The fear is I wish to to be an inch of what he was to her. "His" fear is that her feelings persist, feelings for a liar. And yet I keep digging to try and wrap my head around it, feeding this "other", this soul of cinder. I've seen this kind, time and time again. Every fleeing mark must be caught, every secret must be unearthed. Such is the conceit of the self proclaimed seeker of truth. For in the end you lack the stomach for the agony you'll bring upon yourself, meaning me. I cannot blame "him" for that anger but I know deep down that that was the past and has zero relevance to this day or future for that matter. For my goddess is kind and has given me her all like no other so why would it possibly matter? It doesn't. What matters is our undivided devotion to each other, because no matter what she is my goddess and I am her unkindled ash. For ash seeketh embers and her fire burns so bright, she has me now and forever.

So in closing I pray that my goddess have mercy and patience with this hollow undead. That she have the strength to allow me to walk beside her always for there is nothing more I wish to do. Her love gives me purpose, and without purpose we hollow away and rot, stagnate. Ask not why the flowers need rain, ask why the rain needs rain. Purpose. So in time the "other" will go away because with my goddesses strength I am made whole and don't need anything else. It is a struggle to conquer ones mind but with her I can do anything.

I raise my eyes to see the heavens
And only the moon looks down
The harvest moon shines down