...Way Back There

somedays i plan to be on
my own. to take a drive
and visit my yesterdays.
not to have regrets but to
love out those days again
where regrets had no place.
maybe on such days, i seek
magic that today just can't contain

Violent Truth

he will convince you of certainty:
a most peaceful war
the most violent peace

She will convince you of the illusion:
a most beautiful lie
the most repulsive truth

the illusion of certainty:
a beautiful war
the violent truth

Need

you do everything

absolutely everything

from a place of need.

the need to get back 

what you gave

in some form or the other.

and that's why

giving doesn't fulfill you

for you give to get back.

Don't agree?

a cup will run out of

contents eventually,

it may take a long time

or it will be quickly.

one way or another

we all run dry.
Need does not come and go
need is not forgotten
need is not "gotten over"
need is need
you need air
i need her

Undivided

I have long been fascinated by romance. Love if you will. At its base level it is simply a chemical in our brain, nothing more. But when you watch it work it truly is astounding the power this chemical has over our lives. Think about it. What are all the things that love can make you do? Buy things you cannot afford. Say things you should not have. Suffer for the stupidest of reasons. Fight hopeless battles. Travel distances any sane person would fine ridiculous. The list goes on. Growing up the way i did there is always love to go around. And you never shy away from saying it, as there are an infinite array of levels one has of love. You love your family, you love your spouse or partner, you love your children, you love your friends, hell you even love your favorite sports team but it all is covered by the term love. What matters and what differentiates said love oh reader mine is simple, how you show it.

By now every dog and horse has heard the of the five love languages and they are absolutely spot on. However in my estimation they do not go deep enough. How does each category of love language show love? More importantly what is one thing all the languages either do or can do that universally shows love or in this case affection?  Because that is what it comes down to, affection. The act of showing how you love or how much. And through all these years of failed relationships, heartbreaks, rejections and watching others have all the fun i have come to conclusion that although no one and i mean no one loves like i do or how i do or how deep i do the universal thread throughout every and all relationships whether good or bad is how and how much affection is shown. And that oh reader mine is the crux of this issue, how do people show affection?

The ways are obviously endless but throughout my self reflection as to why i am defeated at every turn in this silly little board game the glass shattering moment is that i show affection in the most sincere and deep and passionate way, something ninety nine percent of the population cannot see and can react in only two ways to it. Simply not understand it or read it and drive right on by or with zero understanding so it is seen as a negative. What is it i am doing that is so different and wildly upsetting? i am showing affection the only way i know how, ultimately. What do i mean? All this time it took me to realize the most loving and passionate and true way to show affection is not gifts, is not doing nice things for someone, is not sex (nowadays that concept is laughable, ask my ex lol) but is what is behind all these actions. Simply put, it is attention.

That's right. Good old fashioned attention. It all comes down to that. Chew on that a moment. Do you love your children? Everyone should say yes so saying that do you give them your undivided attention? What about your parents? Your significant other? Hell your damn dog? I can hear you scoffing now, "of course I do sir!" Well saying that, have you ever looked at your phone while in their company? How about eat? How about watch television? Read? Clean? Cook? Checkmate. That is why i say attention is the ultimate form of showing affection. First off it's rare, secondly it really shows how much you love when you actually pull it off. When it comes to a person when you give them your undivided attention you are basically saying "you currently are my entire world at the moment" and that is huge. It means nothing else matters, nothing. No worries, no events, nothing else but you. What a statement. To give someone attention and all of it no less truly shows that person is valued, which goes to show how much they mean to you because you are giving them the most priceless of commodities. Time. Attention literally is time. Time is the one thing you can never ever get back. You can always make money or work harder to make said money. Or seek out a "priceless" object but time is here and then it is gone. That is why it is so special. You can never ever get it back. So to give another human being your attention which translates to you time shows so much value words cannot do it justice. The minute we are born we begin to die, one second at a time. When you do the math our lives seemingly pass in the blink of an eye so to spend even one second on another person is huge no? Think of all the time you give to all the things that do not matter. You spend your time reading about what a celebrity thinks, or what a sports star is doing, or what the fucking weather is going to be. All that time can be given to someone you proclaim to love. That in my words would really show how much you love them. Spoil your children with attention so they don't grow up having mommy or daddy issues (if you catch my drift). Shower your significant other with attention so they know you have no room in your heart for anyone else. Give your parents or grandparents some attention so as not to waste the wisdom of their past experiences and to show appreciation for bringing you into the world when they did not have to. That's what it means to be present. Be focused on them that are in front of you. If you are ok with giving your time to mundane things then you are perfectly capable to give it those you say you love. Or at least be honest in the facts and if you love them show and if you don't then say so.

If you think about it, the root of jealousy and even envy is attention. Jealousy being that you are afraid of losing something you value and envy being wanting what someone else has. All that can be summed up in attention. You are afraid of losing the attention of your husband because he is giving it to someone or something else. You envy the attention your wife is giving to someone or something. You want the attention someone else is getting or has gotten in the past. Retroactive jealousy should be called retroactive envy more like but that's another story. You want the attention your significant other gave to others in the past or is giving to them now. Your partner is giving their attention to their job shows that they value the job over you. Think of all the corners you cut while on the job to think about something else. You go on facebook on the job, you listen to music. That is attention and time. So if you value someone, show it. If you have two seconds for something other than whatever it is you are doing at the time you have two seconds to shoot off a text saying "hey, im thinking about you." If that cannot be done you simply don't love someone, period. If you do not have the time to send someone three words that really shows what you value and what you do not. You love your dog? Do you walk them? Train them? Play with them? You have five seconds to tweet that you burnt your roast beef but you have no time to throw a ball around the house with your furry friend? That shows value. What you read, shows value. What you watch shows value. What you wear or eat shows value. There a billion easier alternatives to most things we give our time to, so giving a large amount of time or even a modicum of such shows tremendous value.

Perhaps i was born wrong, or grew up badly to think this way i'm not sure. What i do know is that relationships fall apart when attention is diverted elsewhere. Whether it be boredom or routine or whatever you want to call it when attention wanes then people drift apart, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. A hungry dog is never loyal and that makes complete sense when you think about it. As humans we crave attention, we feed off it. Don't give your children attention they will seek it from others, same goes for your significant other. Attention is a drug that all people need and it will be sought and found no matter what. If you want your relationship with any other living breathing being to last all you have to do is give them your attention. If they don't give it back then well i guess things are not mutual but you cannot expect someone to give you their time if you are not willing to give yours. Think about how wonderful it feels when someone can't get enough of how your day went or that funny story you have. It fills you with life when someone pays attention to how you dressed or how your yard looks because you put time into it.

Time. We all only have so much of it. In a flash it can all be gone and you might have wasted how much of over silly stupid shit. Your loved one deserves your attention. No job has no moment to shoot off a quick text or email. If you can look at your phone for god knows what you can take some of that time to tell those which you proclaim to value that not only you do but that you show it as well. If you say you do then show it. This is not rocket surgery, it's simple. Since coming to this realization i have such a profound appreciation for time given or taken. It's one way you can cut back on the regrets you may incur over a life time. Kiss more, hug more, dance more, listen more, talk less. Interest is attention, which is value, which is time. It all taps the same vein of affection. There is a time and place for everything (pun intended) but remember that time is running out, the clock does not stop for anyone. So show your affection, prioritize the people and things you say you love. There is only such much of your time to give, so you should give it wisely. You never know when the clock will strike midnight and you spent the last twelve hours looking at something pointless when in reality you could have given that precious time to someone that matters. That's also how you can tell if someone truly values you in return. So going forward the greatest and most heartfelt compliment you could ever receive from me is being looked straight in the eye and being told with all seriousness and gravity, "you have my undivided attention."

Took The L

in this gloom
with frozen fingers
making out my face
i see myself
abandoned in endlessness.
without you, im lost in the world
which we created for ourselves

Pain is such a certainty
that you stop thinking about it,
when it comes,
how badly this time.

i guess im tired of talking about hope
ive learned that doves and ravens fly the same
but suddenly she's all i know, an old refrain...

sometimes
things are just taken away
and people more so,
for how we stop valuing
something when we have
far too much of it.

but if there is one thing
i have learned through this hell;
no mourn can bring back
the dead from the grave,
no ache would give back
what you once had.

i met you through me.
no wonder then
why i am so clueless
now as you are gone.

Braggart

it's easy to be the tough one

flaunting pain like a trophy,

licking triumph

off the edge of the blade,

until the blood

bragging from our tongues

bleeds into our eyes,

reminding us to speak softer to the

knife,

and when it starts to hurt, 

say mercy

Hopeless Romantic

i am eternally, devastatingly romantic,
and i thought people would see it
because 'romantic' doesnt mean 'sugary'.
it's dark and tormented - the furor of passion,
the despair of an idealism that you can not attain.

An Error In The Code

there's an error in

the way we left things

off. the streetlights flicker

as the concretes cold besieges

where we once walked. now, 

no more crowds. forever ago,

it seems, the homes werent

such barricades but houses

housing loves only time

could understand. windows

werent fire blankets for

the broken but comforting

and warm translucent childhoods

we barely got to experience.

there's an error in the

the way we let things get

this bad. the winds changed and

our wings were self-clipped

Too Damn Quiet

i have stared daggers through shadows

i have poured rain back into clouds

i have learned that silence is the loudest sound....

A Difference Of Opinion

you didnt expect it to end this way

i didnt expect it to end at all

i am not the type of person

to come back for anything. 

because i never leave what i love behind.

i am all in. All the time. We are given a life

to live it, holding back does it a disservice. 

Imagine my devastation when i realized you'd been creating fiction and i'd been writing our memoir. From the day i met you, i knew that your eyes will be where i will home my happiness. i didnt have to think about what will be or could be but rather it was my guts that told me to just give everything to you, to us. i realize that the kind of love i am talking about can be exhausting but you are worth the trouble. When i saw the pain in your eyes the first time i was leaving your house, when i saw the way your grip wouldnt want to let go of my shoulders, when i felt your heart beat calmer when i was close to it, i made an unconscious decision to be yours. Maybe that was the kind of love i have always wanted, the one that makes pain feel beautiful and the love deeper. You are the kind of love that deserves more than anything and although you did not see it, i gave it. All i had, and even that was not enough.

So now you search for this in someone else. Someone a fraction that is me. No one loves like me, no one. You will miss the worship, the devotion. Yes i fell as all mortals do. But you fell as well you just refuse to see it, refuse to say it. Now it is too late. You chose and yous will regret it, our angels will regret it. i have and i think always will. So much in me, loved every little of you.

Opus Dei

This is a big one, something ive needed to let loose for a long time. Could have been called "tell me how you really feel?" lol this is as about as raw as it gets

dont you dare
call Him "Baby"
we're not talking lately
but dont you dare
call Him what
you used to call me
we are both better
than that, we both deserve
better than that.
Regardless of the boxes
he checks off for you
money, money, money
age, authority over you
it was me who celebrated you
venerated your every word
and movement.
i gave effort
i gave will
wretched as i am
i gave you ME
what was left any way
and now? you give the grace
that was meant for your husband
or at least the man who
believed he was. who gave
you the power to destroy,
the power to hold aloft
or drop into meaninglessness,
guess which you chose?
and now the value you give Him?
Him?
the immediate intimacy
the passion i needed and you
had no intention of giving anymore
when the world says no, you cling
to Him like a life raft, sadly tho that
raft carries cholera and you are the
only one blind to it. you begin again
the pattern of destroying our daughters
our angels, because you took the
easy path. This very pattern wounded
our eldest irreversibly, and now you
aim to repeat that again. i am the only one,
ever, who is willing neigh begging
to be their father, while you allow them both
to be bought and paid like you yourself have been.
to mean something to them, to you.
i am the only one who hasnt
tossed you aside like a used washcloth,
but it is increasingly looks like i should
despite my reluctance to hurt what i love.
i didnt care about your baggage as long
as you gave me no need to look backwards,
to envy what was like we looked upon
the ruins of Rome or Athens in wonder.
it's only when i carried no more value
your skeletons began to choke me
and tear at my soul. and even then i
was proud and grateful despite
you giving me a fraction of
what you gave so many others,
so many villains, and still you give
to villains like it is what you do.
yes you taught me self-love, the hard way,
i know what i am and what i am not.
i am the best there was as you still
are no object to me, no games,
and all i did was more than any
who came before me could even comprehend.
i loved with a depth people only dream of
and even then they dont come close.
i am the best there is as i have bled, sweat
and tore myself apart brick by brick to the bone
in an effort to become, simply become.
you set about erasing what i was before
you and although in many cases
i am thankful but i wasnt just a
canvas to throw in the trash.
i have far to go and although i
have climbed mountains of regret,
embarrassment and misery in
an attempt to cure this infection
which when mixed with your issues
created a cocktail of pain which hurt
everyone around us. it may never be cured
but at present i am doing everything
to mitigate and repair all that is possible.
i am the best there ever will be as
i show nothing but want, effort, work, drive
to simply be. to fill whatever void you have,
to be something to you that you dont look at
with contempt or worthlessness.
to fill the void our daughters have now
thanks to your unwillingness to try
or even attempt to fix the family
you blew apart, yes you, you left
and replaced me in a flash with
the very antithesis of what i never
was or will be, of what i never want
to be. you fell exactly in the same mold
you always did. Money, gorilla, age
and power over you. im sure your first
(of many) intimate encounters which
began obviously at your Calgary "get away"
and your many after (that our eldest heard
as she is no child anymore) was just like
they used to be. like being used as a toy
or just something to do to pass the time.
no meaning, just action, and then to lie
about that among other things just ices
this pitiful cake. more and more i see that's your
thing, what you like, you enjoy being a toy.
you enjoy being used. Perhaps that
was my mistake, one of the many,
you were no mere toy to me, you were
not just exercise equipment, you were
even more than a partner, you were
a gift to the world, my world, you were
my world.
i am bitter because i am better,
i have showed persistence like you never
have seen before, like you couldnt imagine and
obviously could ever produce or even want to produce.
i gave you more than you could handle as
well but that is another story.
lets be clear, no one will ever deserve you,
your beauty and grace, your fire-like soul,
but i will always be the closest,
whether now or years to come,
i own what you had, what you have,
and what you ever will. i know no one
has the will, want, or care to eclipse
what you had, they simply put a rug
over the rotten floor boards.
a pox on both your houses, you will
never love at my depth again and deep down
you will regret like you never have before.
deep in your soul even despite your many...
encounters... you will miss my worship at the
very least. being a deity is hard, you have to take the reigns,
being the play thing is easy. you have your role
and he puts you to use, just like
Iceland, just like New England.
it's funny that despite my current attitude
i have at least the self-awareness to know
you've settled too fast for far too little.
Enjoy your puppet show show, you were the lead
in "Queen of Spades" but i guess the role of the
marionette is what you are more comfortable
with. At the end of the day it is our angels
who will/have suffered and who will with the next
rich older gorilla when this one is bored.
The sad thing? i would crawl through an endless
tract of broken glass just to be yours again
just to have you look at me not like you did
when we were a dream but how you looked
at the trash before me, how you look at Him,
how you lie and bend and push just to keep
Him more front and center than i could have
ever dreamed of being. At least i can hang my hat
on changing New England forever, introducing you
to Mexico and paradise, and showing you
real passion and intimacy and pleasure so
that we own those places we have been, in a way
even this city will never be the same to you
again either. I smile knowing that even tho
you will be whisked away to paradise just
like your endless snowboarding trips,
paradise will always have our stamp on it.
I knocked down the flag of those who came
before and planted mine where it cannot be touched
or ever removed. I have something the legions
before me and the pretenders after me will never have,
the purest of angels, perfection incarnate. Deep down
our eldest will know that despite the fair weather flings, i
was and am and still the only one who is beyond
proud to call her daughter. We made perfection
and a life that cannot be touched, even tho
you couldnt care less about it, that fact that
no one to come will ever touch that is a comforting
thought. What irony that wiped away your biggest
skeleton only to take his place. Kind of a cruel joke
to finally know how "It" felt with you.
you will miss the devotion
most likely not today
probably not tomorrow
but when this tumbles down,
and it will,
you will miss your zealot.
at what point do you look at
the common denominator
in your life and see that your cowardice
is the problem, you and what you have done
and what you are doing, is the problem.
the sad part being that it wasnt a problem
to me.
i did not mind dancing
with your skeletons
but you could not even look
at mine.
what a waste

I'll Be Your White Rabbit

Your Cheshire Cat grin
draws me in
drives me mad
stay a while; make it last

id fall down your rabbit hole
anytime you ask

how funny considering you're Alice

Praise The Sun

No, not the moon.

not this time.

in a world where everyone is looking up to the moon,

hell even her eyes are the stuff, 

i have a little letter to post to the mighty sun. The source

of all our life

Dear Sun,

let me hold you please?

i have lost my light

and i'm dim.

it's dark in here.

i have lost my heat,

i'm short on zeal.

let me feel you for i am exhausted

with no more fight.

I am as cold as blue, 

and far more dead.

I Had It Here A Minute Ago...

You,

if you accidentally come across some
deserted soul
lingering around your self
with courtesy if left any
ask it to return to my vacant body

it left my abode to seek a habitat
in you
where of course it got battered.
Consequently
that pathetic deadbeat
lost its way to this wretched owner

cordially
Me.

Deafening Silence

i sat there
sipping on the silence
that wreaked from the streets
and smelled like a lonely liquor
i could light up and chase away
but fear burnt through my belly
like the bombs
by their window that day,
and this waiting turned to war
when our breath was left breathing
on the outside of the door

Wondering And Lost

there is much to be said

about the walking dead

that's left of me

stumbling around duty bound

feeding off the words you said

and the forgotten flesh

once laid in bed

as we pressed our hopes together

and go out

of our heads and spoke with our hearts

instead

now i wander the world

wanting only to feed

on the scraps

of our broken dreams

or should i say MY broken dreams

seeing as how you never wanted them

from the start to finish

Youch!

the pain of your memory
is sharp enough to be felt
as the nails raked along my back
by somebody else
who desires my worship

Poof! Smoke Bomb!

When you said

you werent going anywhere

that you'd be there

always

what you meant was

"Until it fades"

and in the morning

you were gone

without a trace

for money and power over you

all's the pity and no grace

I Do Not Fear God, But I Fear You

i dont believe in "God"

but i invoke him

and hollar his holy name

when you're here

with me in this bed

skin on skin and

hands in hair

a devil's stare

that is heaven sent

An odd place

for a pulpit

but ill take it

no force of nature

could ruin

this holy communion

the altar is free

and so inviting

you've been on your knees

and so inviting

a while now

her name is still

the one on my lips

as my body dips

and her hands clasp my hips

until the night dissolves

into light of day

so let me bow my head

arch my back

tense my all

throw my head back

and pray

my goddess...

Long Gone

why am i shaking
and procrastinating
when it comes to
letting you go?
im here on my own
im in this alone
and no one will ever know

because i know
you let me go
a long long time ago

what am i waiting for?
more time to be ignored?

you burned rubber
before you even hit the road
while ive been broken down
and halfway home

How Men Like Me Pray: Part Five

i revel in learning
your topography
deliciously lost in
precious peaks and
undulating valleys
coming down
winding around and
washing over me

around each
new corner
i will be
your explorer

i love every line
in your skin
enough
to ignore
this mess
we're in

Soul of Cinders

wearing my best accelerant

while you stood complicit

i lit myself ablaze

and i raged for you

instead of dousing the flames

you pulled up a chair

to keep warm

you sat and watched me burn

you're still

picking through my ashes

looking for embers

i hope you choke on the smoke

Here One Second And Gone The Next

the air is alive
with tendrils of tension
swirling
and curling around
the "us" shaped space
that gravity fails
to make heads or tails of
when we actively try
not to embrace
and instead pretend
we were glad to part ways

now there is replacement
somewhere adjacent
to false appraisement
of each hand concealed
never to be played

we will lay our cards
and stars to rest
and then leave
them that way

finally we will give up
and walk away
before either of us
breaks
and begs the other
to stay

"so nice to see you
again;
Have a nice day."

A Time Forgotten Weald

Thorns and underbrush
encroach the road
that leads back to us

you are not the type
to clear the path
and i am not the type
desperate enough
to beg you back

you owe it to me
to break the silence
but you will instead
let the saplings become trees
between us

and hope cant overtake
a live oak

See You In My Dreams

Dreams are the only way

that i can resurrect us

the otherworldly experience

that we were

divine when combined

when i crave you so badly

that my insides ache

and the fire that we were

burns the bitterness away

i come to find you

and escape

dancing behind my eyes

is a world in blurs

where you lies

and my tears

never were

we were manic

we were magic

we were beautiful

and tragic

and more

than any dream

could hold

i wake; shaken

the room is cold once again

Flowers are for Graveyards

i bloomed when i met you

now ive wilted, dried, died

been lied to

pressed between the closed

pages of a story i once believed

could shake the earth

so consume me

entomb me

exhume me

use me up again

until im spent

then turn me to ash

wouldnt be the first time

and doubtless; the last

A Sonnet

How love cam in i do not know
whether by the eye, or ear, or no;
or whether with the soul it came
at first infused with the same;
whether in part 'tis here or there,
or, like the soul, whole everywhere,
this troubles me:but i as well
as any other this can tell:
that when from hence she does depart
the outlet then is from the heart

Killing You Softly

What has whispered to you softly. with words crafted to bite.

What thoughts are unhelpful, harmful, the ones we listen to despite,

Become aware of their arrival,

like a bee landing lightly on your hand

ready to sting if you react- simply watch it, still and calm

until it lifts and leaves at last.

Insanity is what?...

The irony is not lost on me
i have become what i detested so much
although i must say it is fun
and in some ways calling and fulfilling
owning the best part of a person's past
knowing that no matter what they do
i cannot be erased
i had my will
i OWN those moments
and all those associated
Mexico? Mine
New England? Eclipsed and now mine, deeper
and more meaningful than ever
untouchable from now one because of what we did there
and how we did it
i created an angel
who shines bright and fills the world
with perfection
her sister i am still the true patriarch
more than any other
i left memories with her as well
memories of family, love, care and most of all
attention
that elusive action my former flame
will never give
has never gave
and never will

a survivor
a warrior
a Goddess
and this mortal owns her
i never saw it before
but just as she has branded my soul
like it or not i am to her the same
the places we "enjoyed"
will forever be a part of me
as they are her
no matter her actions hence forth
whether with her new... benefactor (or should i say daddy?)
 or not she cannot erase that i did better
money or no
i gave freedom
i gave pleasure
i gave ecstasy
i gave life
that's why should my Goddess go abroad
those places are mine
 she gave her power and i gave my worship
and prostituting to some pathetic daddy for money
cant change that

Now i know how "it" felt
secure in the knowledge i have left my mark
although mine eclipsed his, much to my glee because lets face it
he, a bloated tanned corpse
i?
i am younger
i am more hungry
i am more vibrant
i am stronger
i am breathtaking
i certainly am... bigger (duh) lol
i am and always will be more
than all those who were before me
and all those who will follow
my will and my world left a lasting
impression and that will be carried
to the grave and beyond
Crypt lake? Mine
Tyrell? Really mine
the ball parks? Mine
in a way my need to exist
my sword logic as it were
created the conditions
that now make it impossible
to live in these spaces
without being tainted by me
i color the very air
an indescribable color
that's what happens when you
leave a Goddess breathless
no whither old man
no matter his money can compare
yes i drove myself mad with my drive
to exist and eclipse
in my mind it has paid dividends now
and keeps paying the more i ruminate
on that fading flame
knowing that this is immortality
and that visiting these places
cant erase what we created there
or exchanged is a better word
a beast with two backs
in the words of old Shakespeare
over
and over
yes like any flame it faded (not by my hand if you havnt noticed)
and now i reside in the age of Dark
an age i am bound and determined
to make the new age of the Deep sea
just like i remade her past
eclipsed
covered
renewed
i am the past
i am the present
who knows the future perhaps i will be that as well
my worship is like no other
there is no other man like me
no country for one such as i
look what ive done
ive bought a paid for those places
we fucked so as to forever be
that thought in the back of her mind (and should he know it will be in his mind too)
the deja vu
i am the living embodiment of  that "never mind" that slammed
to the forefront of her consciousness
when she remembers the ecstasy
my size
my passion
my worship
that cant be paved over by money
or an old decrepit aging boss
who pales in comparison
in all the ways that matter
yes that way
he is also reviled
where i am revered
just like "it" i am better
money cant buy talent
at the end of the day i am not
a bloated tanned yam
a bald herpes infested asshat
a similarly bald vacuous whore
or in this final case, a hair plugged
bleach blond, aging, perverted gorilla pedo who happens
to disgust everyone who has ever come in contact

i found my worth oddly enough
it took this vivisection to see
i was the diamond in the rough
put of all i hold promise beyond my years
a stubbornness unmatched
i am always all in
i am a searcher
always searching for the sun to worship and fight for
you were that sun
and you threw it away
mortals make mistakes
it happens, with enough devotion all can perservere
dont you see your pattern?
at what point do think the problem is maybe just maybe
you?

The Oldest Of Professions

why is it
that when the story ends
we begin to feel all of it

When i met you, i had no idea that you would become the savior and destructer, both to me. The feelings that i developed were not the ones that were "demanding" in nature. i was ready to give to you and i truly gave all of me.

Every inch of my existence, every breath i took, every thought i had, every second i spent, they all had one thing in common... you.

You nurtured my love, watered it with devotion, let it grow each passing day. Little did i know  that you are hiding you intention of departure after channeling my feelings for you.

Your stay was the one thing i wanted in return for my soul that i sacrificed for you. But you chose to leave regardless. Not once, but twice.

i questioned myself again and again, "why, how, when" but you were long gone to give me an answer.

Then destruction stepped up like a giant mountain, yes the destruction that my love did not deserve. You rendered me in to a shock that seems unending now. My entire reality is off kilter and you replace me like some simple Lego piece. It's sick

Even today when your face flashes , i find myself helpless and the very next second reality hits me that you took away my smile along with you and slapped it on a hair plugged embarrassment, and the gray cloud hovers over me while you parasitise for new cloths and fucking snowboard.

And after all these years i know as a matter of fact that you will never be able to find the same kinda of that i gave you. It was worship in its purest form and you will never find that with anyone else. No matter how you "earn" your new lifestyle and allow our progeny to be bought and paid for without effort or work all three of my angels will never find what i gave, and had to give. Our children will be effected by this, they will learn to run when things get tough. They will learn to latch on to the first rich thing that passes by, regardless if he stays true or only wants your body. And of course trust every word he says regardless of evidence or truth as long as you are being paid.

You've made a mistake. It may have taken this hell to see my worth but i see it. You had your greatest devotee, a zealot even. Who tore out his soul just to fit you in it. Now you sell yours and our daughters, while you flushed what i gave away. Regardless of my demise i kept to my values, to my principles. i made the worst of mistakes along the way but my love for you never came with a price. You will regret turning your back on worship.

Chantel #5

let me stay in this space
where your scent
is all i breath
and i will stay here
for eternity

Pride and Prejudice

i gave you all of my stars without thinking ill be left with nothing but the nebulous, all consuming Dark...

i am yours more than i am of my own and i am proud of it. That doesnt mean im weak or i need you to stay if you dont want to. That only means that i accept how much you mean to me. i accept that you're everything that i desire and my success is to watch you be what you need to be. i am love more than anything else. i am proud of it.

there is beauty in being unfolded by you, while getting lost in your eyes...

Hell Is Not Fire, Hell Is Wet

ships seems to pass in the night
among the rain, driving and cold
despite the heat or the chill
of sound of wave
deep drowning blue
she cannot help but Siren
fools like me
destined for the Deep

such a burden of finery
attracts unwanted attention

Stark Blue

Amidst this clear blue ocean

like the eyes that hold me hostage

i only breach the surface

for fear of drowning yet again

in a dark

brine like hell

Waves never ending

crashing and retreating

endless assault

of all the senses

like this chapter in my life

Meddia Invidia

Envy consumes itself
which explains a great deal
my words bite
my thoughts never stop
churning forward
never ceasing
more
a combination of greed and gluttony
mostly lust
sewn together with absolute unyielding hate
which infects my very existance

i
want
it
all

and need even more
every glance is filled with it
mere mental strength is what keeps it back

Envy
i am a monument to it

Invidia

This land is green
as far as one can see
endless green
and endless metaphore
green with envy
a land of green
vibrant and alive
growing, seething, breathing
it consumes thought and action
"i want that"
"i want her"
"that should be mine"
importance in that which i do not have
who knows if i did
Envy
green with it
an island of envy
amidst the land of dust

A Bit of The Old Rainbow

red, black, blue, pink, green

so many colors, so much beauty

love enters through the eyes

it also leaves through the eyes

some know their power

most do not and never will

Maiden in Black

black hides the deepest of beauty
even where there is little of it to behold
when it leaves little to the imagination
endless possibilities
how lovely is she

Color Blind

Emerald greens of all shades

found in her eyes

yet blue still captivates

like no other color

Zero, Zip, Notta

when no thoughts to spare
no seconds to give
no words to waste
on this wondering silent ghost
no bed sheet but still ethereal
here one second then gone the next
did you see him?
of course not, you couldn't be bothered
how arrogant
to ignore the dead

Chilly Willy

Everything is cold
the air
the bed
the water
my emotion
endless winter from this
Husk i have become
numb even here in paradise
people are a chore
these niceties annoying to no end
i am spent
no fight left
what value can one hold?

The Green Hell

greens of all shades
unlike our Soviet dullness
our muted drab greys
their greens sadly seem no better
in their own way
no colour BUT green
all the flowers gone with my Goddess
as if without her presence beauty in all its forms
cannot, will not exists
i could not agree more