A final word

This will be the last blog, I am going to grow up. I get it. Don't worry...

Wow the roads we have walked, the trails we have blazed. What a change from beginning of this page to the end. You can really map it out. I think that's really what this page was about, the changes we go through when our lives show it's hand. We must change when we find out that the world isn't going to change until we do. When we do change, most of the time the reaction we get is not truly the one we designed in the first place. Some changes happen right now, and you can see the effects immediately. But most take ages to see, most take a long time till you see the fruits of the labor. Such is it in this case, thank you all for reading, believing and all the comments and so forth. I hope that the change in the end is to the liking of all those who have given their precious time to know me. A final thought, don't ignore the signs you see in people. If they are in pain, help, if you love someone tell them. Remember "life is but a poor player who struts himself upon the stage and then is heard again no more. Thank you all, it's been great.

I get it

I finally get it, even after all this change, I am nothing without the creator. But enough of this, I will find something else to blab about, lord knows there must be something more important correct? No, in my mind, you are the epiphany period. But like I said something else to blab about...

Roses are red, violets are blue. My mind is a blank, because I can't think of you. But I know I am weak, I know I am not like my friends. But give me a chance to at least try and make a mense. Talk to me, try to put this train wreck on the tracks. I am sorry for whatever I did, but at least know that you did good when you molded me, I am just not finished yet. Well, sweet dreams, tutto bene. Now anyway, if ever. For I finally get it...

Consumed by the fires within...

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."-unknown

Sitting in the dark, sipping a brew that will kill my mind and give me peace. Thinking only of you. I have stared adversity in the face, and with your help love and guidance you showed me how to beat it. Yet something is still amiss, something is still wrong, something still nags in the back of my mind and makes me think only of the future. Because of you I am here, it was you who showed me the error of my ways and showed me the path to my beginning. Because of you, I am the rocks on the eternal shore, crash against me and be broken. I can only say this because of you, o how I yearn for you, how I need you! I would give it all away, give it all up to be something more to you, to be in your heart like you are in mine. But alas, my prayers lay on deaf ears, I find myself wishing on someone else's star. Such is life, is the way it has always been. And yet here I stand burning, the fire somehow seems to still burn. Burning forever in this frozen wasteland of my mind and heart for it is where your absence has banished me too. Please save me one more time, please come to me, come home! Come to where you will never be hurt, as long as it is in my power to keep you from pain, for I would never want you to feel this anguish, agony and heartbreak. I would not wish this on the devil himself, for it was he who surely came up with such a exquisite poison...

Because of you

Free! Clean! Worthy! Veni vidi vici! Because of you I am back in the game. It was the thought of losing you which brought me back, brought me up! I won because of you. You showed me that it was ok to live again, that even after the battle, scarred or not, I came back for all of you! It is only a matter of time now that I can become something worthy of the love you gave. The understanding that helped me win, the prayers and love you sent. Thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me when I myself did. I will repay you, I swear it. Before I die I will be something that you can all look at and be proud of, something you can love. I got a second chance, I won't waste it! Not for you, not after what you did for me. Thank you...

To all those who where there for me when others weren't. For all those who walked in when others walked out, I know that sounds unoriginal, but thank you. I can't say that enough, I love you all for everything. Thank you.

Begin again

If at first you don't succeed...

Third time is the charm. The only reason we fall is to pick ourselves up. You have heard them all before. Those silly little rhymes that are almost as hard to do as they are to listen too. It is only when you do fall that you look and see that the only way is up. I have been blind, I must admit. My head needed to be shook. I am waking one minute at a time. I see the path clear, for once. I will no longer chase dreams out of my reach. I will no longer want things I just cannot have, or be something I will never ever be. This will of course take time, pain goes away. Time heals all wounds and crap like that. But I can't help but wonder if I really want these wounds to heal. Most yes but yours are the sweetest I have ever had! Some don't even call them wounds. You have shown me so much, given me so much to live for it's unbelievable. I need you so much! Now more than ever. And yet from all sides I am shown why we can't or shouldn't be together. I hate it! ALL OF THIS IS FOR YOU! I began again, crawled from the pit a broken man for one simple reason...You...

The Gospel according to me

There is an idea of a Joshua Sklarchuk; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there. I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. I feel lost, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip. I need you, I need you like no other. I don't know why I feel this way, you yourself surely does not deserve my perpetual gaze. Your beauty and serenity is boundless. You should not be forced in the same pot like me, lord knows you have had troubles which outmatched my own. I am sorry, I am truly sorry for anything I put you through, I am sorry for things that I have said, of did not act upon. You mean so much to me it almost hurts as much to just say I am sorry and not be able to act upon it. I just hope that in the near future that I will be able to live up to what you made, or at least help to make. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy to think this but I am can't help it. I think to much too often. Some day I will be like everyone around me, oblivious to all that around me. Maybe then...Maybe then you and I will finally be...Or hell me be with you... I have never felt this way...

Choices

"You don't have to look very hard for heaven or hell,they are right here on earth,evidently it comes down to u and the choice you make..."-Author unknown

I have never needed to make choices like this. My every thought is consumed with them, who? When? Why? I can't stand it. Should I stay or go? Wait for happiness or settle because I can. Of all the lives in all the world they had to walk into mine. Every waking moment is bent around these single thoughts. All I want is peace. I wish things to be the way they were when I didn't need to make these choices that either way I make a wrong and hurt someone too special to be hurt. I am so lost, so confused, so forsaken...Why? Ask your god. He has never given me the choice before, and now, when my world already was ripped from me I am given choices to make when I am not prepared to make them, nor are the people to have them made too. Oh the anguish is horrible. I need your help, guidance and love. You have shown me the light, showed me I can be a masterpiece, that I am one in the making! Such a thing is still unthinkable but you have helped me see it! And I still wait and hope. Which is what I think I am going to do, I will wait. I will sit and wait because you showed me I deserve happiness like all the rest, no matter what. So I will make you proud, I will wait for you and in waiting will become something worthy of the wait. Worthy of your love and understanding for it was you who understood when others didn't, listened when others didn't, was there when others weren't. A choice? Yes. And we are seeing the outcome of that choice every minute of my life. I only hope it all ends up good in the end...

Why?

Why am i punished so? Why can't i be with you? Why am a touchered by your memory? I love you so very very much. More than anything in the world, you mean it all. I hate not having you, i would do anything to be with you. Does he hold you? Does he whisper in your ear and make you feel good to believe alive? Does he want to be with you? Or better yet does he show it? I want too! All of them! You mean too much to me to let it all go. So all in all i ask god...why? Why can't i be with her, she is the ultimate high, she has shown me how to be. You have shown me to love life, but i love her. She is in too many dreams not to have sweet ones. My prayer to her: Please god keep her safe, keep her happy, keep her from harm or at least give her teh strength to get through it. Don't let her become like me. Please let her have some help. Don't spare me, spare her. Give me her pain, give me the burden she has, just to give her peace, she means that much...Why? I will probably never know. I know you and i have never gotten along but god please, i will do anything. Give her peace, i love her so much...

Immortality's Legacy

Immortality will come to such as are fit for it...-A movie, can't remember lol

You are my immortal, plain and simple. The feelings I have, the thoughts I have thought. All come to a single point, you. I hate it, but I love every minute of knowing you, talking to you late about stuff only we would talk about. The feeling is immortal, undying, never leaving, unrelenting. You mean the world to me, and unlike the feeling...I can die. I am not immortal. Cowards die many times before their deaths, yet the valiant taste death but once. Well I am a coward, in everything in life I am. I hate it, that's why I am worried my legacy will not be respected or even agknowlegded. You are my legacy, everything about you is everything I want to be. You mean too much to just fade into obscurity. You are too amazing for that. So through all this, what is your legacy? What will you leave? When and if you leave at all. What am I to you? In a way I am your legacy. For it was you who showed me the light. Showed me I could live again. Hold my head up high and become a masterpiece like all your works of art. In a way it's kind of ironic how I am your greatest creation because I am still in the works, still being shaped and molded into something that will be worthy of your love and affection. I am your legacy, and when I die and go to heaven, St. Peter I will tell. Just one more lost lover reporting sir...I've spent my time in hell...

What makes you bad...makes you better...

Funny how I need you like a addiction, and yet you are the cause of the my obliviance of my ignorance...curse or blessing is still to be noticed...

I have fallen all the way down. I am back to the old rants about how you saved me, how you showed me the path to rightousness. Sadly the path is paved with pain but nothing in life is easy. Easy does not fall into place in the lives of the brave and sane. Nothing in adults life should factor into the easy catagory. I find it rather funny that the right thing and the hard thing to do in life are usually the same thing. The right thing or the best thing to do is never easy. But this is the first time where i don't know what is right and what is wrong! I know it will cause me ongoing to pain to feel for you, to want to be with you. Yet is it right? I think you think it's wrong, but i have no idea about whether is or not. I don't want it be! But wrong is well wrong lol. There is one quote that has always really proven this point, and showed me some clarity when it comes to this. I do not know the author but they must have been brilliant to come up with this: One has been endowed with just enough intelligence to be able to realize how utterly inadequate that intelligence is when confronted with what exists. One cannot make it any more clearer my situation. My god how i want you, to be with you, to be worth something more to you. But i know your end will have to come to the same realiaztion that i have be been through in order for that to happen. How sad the battles of the mind, how horrific they can become. Where the only casualty is you, and the injuries you sustain may never be fixed, trust me.

Tutto sta Bene

"You look in the mirror and you don't like what you see? Don't believe it. Look into my eyes; I'm the only mirror you'll ever need." Author Unknown

Hush little baby don't say a word, you buddy's going to come up with a better ryhm some other time. Until then, know that everything is going to be alright. Everything is alright. Unfortuantly for you, I am never going to leave you. I think you hooked me, i'm your friend for life lol. Why? Simple, you cared when others didn't. You listened to the worst when others wouldn't. You walked in when others walked out. Now i don't think you knew what you were doing or where you were going but that is just destiny. And for that i thank you. But just remember this, if the one with the trouble is not worried, then you shouldn't be either correct? So i am out of ideas, i will never leave you, never stop caring, never stop believeing. But like i said i would come up with a ryhm so here it is: When eagles forget to fly, when its twenty below in July, when violets turn red, and roses turn blue, I will still for the rest of my life and maybe beyond...be here for you.

To all those who are sticking by me through the thick of things, and for those who don't even know that they are. Thank you. Everything will be alright, time heals all wounds, whether mental or physical. People wonder if i have brothers, i am with them all the time. Thank you all for your support. Tutto sta bene, te amo.

Because of you...I am free, such a brand new feeling

"the most important words in life are: lie, cheat and steal. Lie with the one you love, cheat death and steal the heart of the one that makes you happy" - a movie but ya I can't remember lol.

You mean so very very much. Look into that blessed mirror and believe it. You may be how many miles away but remember this: because of you, I am free. In more ways than one you showed me that be the slime I was, it wouldn't cut it. Now I look ahead and only smile for I know that only brighter skies are ahead. I have found the real. You make me feel alive, you have opened the door to my freedom of this prison. Like those before you, you have shown me the light but every blessing has a price. You have shown what it is to love, but we may never be. You yourself said it. Only I wish I never heard those words leave your lips. Why? Simple, what would happen if your world was torn apart from you in one simple breath, one little birth of light. But I stay strong, even if only for the silly hope that one day the barriers that you feel will someday be lifted and I may repay you with all that I am. But I suppose my heart can hardly break, it wasn't whole to begin with...Such a pity. But enough of my strife against god and all his creations. For he has set the world against me, but with the help of those around me, I will win. And even if I don't, why live in a world that we may never be, such a hell that would be I could not describe it. For the worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them, or knowing those you would die to be with will never be more to you than a name. So if I die and go to heaver St. Peter I will tell, one more lost lover reporting sir, I've spent my time in hell. For life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. I love you so very, very much. Yet how sad is it that I spend my time dreaming dreams that will never come true...

Face your Fears

"There is nothing to fear, but fear itself..."
Sir Winston Churchill.

What is it you fear the most? Deep down I see your inner struggle to contain it. I know you fear not only it but fear that it might come out into the real world. You fear that people will know your pain and mistake it for weakness. This is folly. The actual reality of it is that people might actually want to help, you know do the decent thing and help someone they care for. Do not fear me, or anybody else for that matter, especially if they want to give you guidance and show you the path to light, some of us have actually traveled the same tired road you are right now. Hard to believe I know but you are not alone, no matter how much you believe it. Fear should not rule your life, it should merely be a reaction to the wonderful things you can and will do. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that in this life from now on, you will no longer be afraid to live and love like you should. It is the only way to live really. If you don't, then your not really living lol. And don't just tell yourself that, live it, display it. It is not what is inside that counts, it is what you do that defines who and what you are. Your fear of the world and how to live it should not define you. Deep down I know what you can be, it brings a tear to my eye to even think that you are holding back. Because it was you who brought me up from the depths of Tartarus: the lowest depths of the Earth, the realm of the dead. It was you who showed me the light. This is my tribute to you, for your kindness and forgiveness. Thank you so very very much. Everyday I live for you, for me? Just do not fear this life that you bless with every waking moment. Tutto bene, ti amo ve...And if I can say that, there should be no reason to fear, no reason to hesitate. L'amore conquista tutto...