Happiness Hurts, she repeats the cycle of 2012 anew...

Trying out a new format, more true to the actual thought process.

You see her with someone else

Smiling a different way

Than she ever did with you

You see her with someone else

The one who gave her more trauma

Than she ever did with you 

But now you bleed regret

The one who gave her more trauma

Now stole those moments from you

But now you bleed regret

That she never shared them with you

Now stole those moments from you

The kiss and the dates

That she never shared them with you

For fear of getting attached

The kiss and the dates

You wanted to give them to her

For fear of getting attached

She ran away

You wanted to give them to her

Give her the dream she wanted

She ran away

And life sounded like dream pop

Give her the dream she wanted

Of a caring guy with a big heart

And life sounded like dream pop

The happy kind

Of a caring guy with a big heart

She twisted it deeply

The happy kind

Of deadly torture

She twisted it deeply

And once she left her impact

Of deadly torture

She blew a kiss and a diss

And once she left her impact

She came back to that abuser

She blew a kiss and a diss

To anyone else she had met

She came back to that abuser

And let him take your place

To anyone else she had met

They couldn't compare

And let him take your place

Apparently he had some big heart too

They couldn't compare

To someone who got a personality transplant

Apparently he had some big heart too

But all you and I saw was it was fake

To someone who got a personality transplant

But only she could see it

But you and I saw it was fake

An act to win her over

But only she could see it

As a meaningful beginning

An act to win her over

Just to tick you off

As a meaningful beginning 

To the ultimate screwover

Just to tick you off

They kissed at first glance and fucked soon after

To the ultimate screwover

To tear you up inside

They kissed at first glance and fucked soon after

That was farther than you had been

To tear you up inside

To make us want to scream

That was farther than you had been

Your world had crashed

To make us want to scream

Every time we saw them

Your world had crashed

Our sky seemed torn

Every time we saw them

We hoped it would be the last

Our sky seemed torn

You were barely holding it together

We hoped it would be the last

Time before it ended

You were barely holding it together

Wishing you'd enjoyed

Time before it ended

Back when we were beautiful

Wishing you'd enjoyed

The meaning you once had

Back when we were beautiful

Before the intruder stole your princesses and your queen

The meaning you once had

Was less but meant more

Before the intruder stole your princesses and your queen

You thought of it as nothing

Was less but meant more

Once you saw what could be

You thought of it as nothing

But secretly it was invaluable

Once you was what could be

You wanted it that way

But secretly it was invaluable

To see you be jealous of him

You wanted it that way

It was nothing but a heartache

To see you be jealous of him

It was nothing but a mistake

It was nothing but a heartache

Cause he took her

It was nothing but a mistake

To want to tell him that

Cause he took her

And she was actually happy

To want to tell him that

She deserved to be sad

And she was actually happy

With the attention

She deserved to be sad

But needed to be wished well

With all the attention

She had never felt it before

But needed to be wished well

And gain experience

She had never felt it before

Though other guys touched her paralyzed skin

And gain experience

She said he was the first

Though other guys touched her paralyzed skin

She felt nothing more

She said he was the first

The way he made her want him

She felt nothing more

Than joy around him

The way he made her want him

Seemed unhealthy at times

Than joy around him

Was pure ecstasy

Seemed unhealthy at times

But if it worked it worked

Was pure ecstasy

To have the feeling of being loved

But if it worked it worked

No matter how upset you were

To have the feeling of being loved

Have you ever felt that before

No matter how upset you were

It seems there was nothing

Have you ever felt that before

Where gold was worth dust

It seems there was nothing

Where dust was worth gold

Where gold was worth dust

And yet you were okay with that

In a world of attraction

You were a moth to a flame

And yet you were okay with that

When your wings burned off

You were a moth to a flame

Smiling a different way

Her sadness cures the pain

Happiness

The Untrue

How many people

Have written

Their names on your heart

With empty promises of forever

And proclamations that meant nothing

Who You Are

You are simply

A lifetime of moments

A bundle of flaws

A bag of magic

An existence full of purpose

A heart filled with love

You are to be experienced 

Within you lives profound meaning

Within you lives endless possibilities

Save all of this

All of you, for someone

Who will appreciate you entirely

Maelstrom

Tonight

the careless ocean

breaks shallow breaths

in this fleeting darkness.

the intricate spiral

of my twisted footsteps

speaks depths to my confusion

am i falling?

have you fallen?

did you ever?

or was it all just an illusion?
a undeserved dream
as i sink to the briny depths
consumed by the salt like blackness
of smothering silence

More Than a Rock

That man
held his pain in his palm
like the dust
of bloodborne diamonds
in prisms,
too precious to part with
too embedded to let go

How Men Like Me Pray II

l'uomo primitivo chiamava ciò che non potevano capire "divino". Detto questo, la tua straordinaria bellezza e grazia è la definizione stessa della luce delle stelle sul solstizio d'inverno, la melodia e il colore più profondi della prima alba della primavera, è infinita e sbalorditiva come quella del cosmo stesso. Adorata da uomo e bestia, divinità e re allo stesso modo. in poche parole, incomprensibilmente divino.

Change Your Game

Reshuffle your deck

Exchange the cards

Give your life a check

Have a look within your soul

You’re such a wreck

Come on roll them bones

Pick a card

Any card

This “three card molly”

You could actually win,

You could still lose

You’ve been on a good run

Of bad luck

You’re due for aces 

So go out there

And draw them

The dealer won’t do it for you this time

Ikigai

What can the Dark souls video game franchise really teach us about our purpose in life? How can it help those of us struggling with depression, when it presents to us a world so dark and cold? Well, combining Dark souls with the concept of finding your ikigai may just help dissipate the fog of depression, fear, and anxiety that often seems to encircle us.

Finding Your Ikigai - Purpose in an Indifferent World

"Oh, you... You're no Hollow, eh? Thank goodness..."

This is the first line uttered to the player character at the begining of Dark Souls. The line is delivered by Oscar of Astora as he lies dying in front of you. But before he perishes, he gives the player and item capable of restoring their health, thus aiding their chances of survival in this cold and deadly world, and he also gives them a mission:

"In tine exodus from the Undead Asylum, maketh pilgrimage to the land of Ancient Lords... When thou ringeth the Bell of Awakening, the fate of the Undead thou shalt know."

Oscar then shows his gratitude with these words:

"Thank you for hearing me out... Now i can die with hope in my heart."

Dark Souls, as its name suggests, is dark. Its world, heavily inspired by the fantasy novels of the West (as well as Kentaro Miura's manga, Berserk) lies in ruin, with half-mad characters spinning frightening riddles which sometimes guide the character, but other times are edged with betrayal and lies. The enemies encountered are monstrous nightmare fuel, and everything seems to be out to kill you. This is reinforced by the game's difficulty, which is well-renowned by fans and critics as 'harsh, but fair'. The quests the player must undertake and the bosses they must defeat are daunting and may often lead the player to put down the controller and walk away, defeated. Everything about this game is drenched in shadow, fear, and despair. But it does, in fact, have an awful lot to say about depression, anxiety, existentialism, and our continuing persistence against life's unwavering indifference. Dark Souls shows us this through the Japanese philosophy of ikigai. It is a Japanese made game after all.

Any fan of Rick and Morty or Bojack Horseman may note the growing popularity of the existentialism in popular media. Characters like Rick of rick and morty and Bojack Horseman have the meaninglessness of life, and our place as individuals in it, an almost romantic notion for many fans, especially those who can relate to these themes due to their own atheism, anxiety, feelings of powerlessness, loss of control, or fear of the future. Existentialism itself, popularized by such 19th Century philosophers as Soren Kierkegaard and Friedrich Nietzche (my personal favorite), is defined as a sense of disorientation, confusion, or dread in the face of an apparently meaningless or absurd world. And we need look no further to find such an absurd world that which we ourselves daunted and frightened by in Dark Souls. Stay with me we are getting to the meat and potatoes.

In much of popular fantasy fiction, from Star Wars to Lord of the Rings, we see the common, warn-out trope of an underdog hero rising up and fighting against adversity, gaining strength as his enemies amass a powerful army to squash him. This simple approach to storytelling leads the view/reader to feel empowered through the protagonist - a sort of surrogate power fantasy. This works doubly well in video games, where we have direct control over the actions of the character, feeling the weight of their power and choosing to make use of their strength when we see fit.

The enemies in these stories are clearly defined and starkly opposed to the hero. The vital antagonist of the story hates the hero and wished to see him or her halted and killed at every turn. The villain's motivations are made clear, and as we, the audience, warm to the hero, we simultaneously learn to despise the villain; they are the target, the embodiment of evil, the big bad boss that must be thwarted in order to save the world. But in Dark Souls, no such archetypal villain is to be seen, not in the traditional sense. Instead, much more true to ordinary life, it is the world itself which is out to get us. In life, there is no great evil that wishes to impede our progress and stamp us out; there only exist the ordinary pitfalls that litter our paths, dug out by time and luck. Likewise, the burned and broken world of Dark Souls is littered with undead creatures and distorted monsters which simply are. They do not belong to a villain's grand army; they are not party of his master plans; they do not follow his rules or philosophy. They simply exist, dangerous as they are. Sometimes they seem to have an agenda of their own, and other times they don't. And as we progress through this world, we must survive each encounter with them, and press on to the next one, else grow tired and die.

This is where finding your ikigai comes in (finally lol). Recently popularized by the book of the name (Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life) by Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles, Ikigai is, to put it simply, the art of finding one's purpose in life. In writing the book, the authors spent time in Japan examining the distinct diets, lifestyle choices, daily habits, and work ethics which grant so many people such a long, fulfilled, and fruitful life. I myself came across this concept when i visited Japan years past and as with most things in that magical country i found it fascinating. And it was whilst reading this book and simultaneously replaying Dark Souls that i clocked a connection between the two. Other than of course being Japanese.

The connection between the indifferent world of Dark Souls and that of our own lives is more than evident, and it is this indifference which life holds towards us which leads to that felling, the 'existential attitude'. But in the mire of Dark Souls' world is a well-defined and reinforced focus on the success of the player in achieving their goal. Just look back at Oscar of Astora's opening dialogue to see proof of this. The game wants the player to succeed; it gives us objectives, provides us with NPCs that support and guide us; it even grants us the power to literally bring light to the darkness, illuminating our path as we go. In this sense, the game may seem to in fact have much in common with those bland tropes of popular fantasy, but that is in fact far from the case. Put simply, this is because, while the hero may have a clear goal (ish), and ikigai, they are not fighting against a great, tangible evil, but rather simply wading through the indifferent, poisonous world around them. That key difference brings the theme of Dark Souls far closer to an allegory for really life than any fantasy tale has preceded it.

One of the key mechanics of Dark Souls is Hollowing: each time a player character dies, he or she progressively becomes more and more Hollow. The choice of words here is incredibly important, cementing the game's clear intention of providing us with an allegory for depression, or, at the very least, failure of finding your ikigai. Without a purpose in life, whatever that may be, we rung the risk of feeling hollow, empty, lifeless. There is an urgency provided by the game to keep the character from becoming Hollow; this can be seen in NPC conversations and through the mechanics of the game itself, where the act of Hollowing actually has a negative impact on the player's ability to survive, primarily by removing their ability to summon help. One key element of promoting a long and healthy life, as explained in Ikigai (the book), is forming strong social bonds with others. In Dark Souls, by Hollowing, the player loses the ability to invite and lean on friends for support. Hollowing in Dark Souls makes if harder to progress through the game, and alienates oneself from those who may have been otherwise willing to help. It also impacts how much "health" the player has but that's for another post.

Dark Souls teaches us that finding your ikigai grants you a way to see through the fog of indifference which the world shrouds you in; it's a torch which we can use to fight back that suffocating existential attitude which leads many of us into a terrifying pit of anxiety and depression.

To quote the knight Solaire(another character), lover of jolly co-operation, "we are amidst strange beings, in a strange land. [...] I'm glad to see you alive..."

What is Dark Souls About?

Ever since i started to play Dark Souls i chose the "bad"endings. As for those who dont know it has multiple ways to end the game. "Good" and "bad" respectively. And sometimes a few in the middle if that makes any sense.
People say this game is about not giving up. No matter the circumstances. No matter how often you die- you go back, you try again until you persevere over the worst of odds. You really only lose when you give up.
But after all these years im pretty sure this game (which keeps giving so so much even years after its release, and sequels which also follow this pattern) is actually about finally giving up. Hear me out. One of the main characters is named Gywn, he literally is the catalyst to the entire story. He sacrificed himself to feed the flame which continued the age of light (the flame brought light hence age of light, no flame means dark or age of dark respectively). Well flames fade, that is precisely what fire does. No fuel? It goes out. Duh. So those who came after Gywn (in the sequels) to fuel the fire are called "Lords of Cinder". They burned. They burned to cinder, hence the name. Who else burns to cinder?

We do.

Every day when dont quit the job we hate. Dont leave the relationship which is bad for us. Horrible friendships we dont leave behind, and so on. Every day we rather burn ourselves than going on because we are so afraid of the dark. The unknown. And it was H.P. Lovecraft who said that fear of the unknown is the greatest fear mankind has.

But there is a character in the game called the "fire keeper" and she is our one true ally in the game. She helps the player level up and occasionally gives us advice. She also well... looks after the flame to a degree. She is needed to keep the age of light going of that makes sense. As much sense a video game like this can make. Why do i tell you this? She has a line in game that is:

"There's a flickering light in the dark... far away...but you can still see it."

I take this to mean that we shouldnt be so afraid of change anymore and stop burning ourselves. No one promises what lurks in the Dark will be better. Who knows it may be worse or very similar. But the chance is worth the risk. Because im not sure if you understand burning but i can think of alot of different things id rather be doing that burning to a cinder. And now you understand at least to a degree why this blog is called "Unkindled Ash." I will explain the unkindled part another time but for now, take that chance. Put out that flame. Dont burn.

Molotov Cocktail

i can always smell love coming

like spirits

buzzing

on the breath of a woman

who's licked the wick of a fire bottle

burning napalm in the night.

the smell of burning always set us on fire.

Grinning Like an Idiot

i cant help but smile

even when i watch her

walk away from me

forever as i know she

will be complete even

without me. 

and as long as she smiles, so will i

Almost My Name Oddly Enough

There once was a man named Seth,

who met a most silly death.

He drank no whiskey;

smoked nothing risky.

Just a fool who loved with every breath

every breath

every breath

every breath

every breath

every breath

every breath

every breath

every brea...

Saturnalia

She scales the walls of her bones
slinking out from under the sheets
i find her stained in stardust,
love drunk on moonshine
and wearing the rings of saturn
she marries the night

Roots

i stop my reflection and watch

him lick the salt from my palms

he reaches for the heavens

as i chase him back to hell

from whence he came

"no tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots

reach down to hell."

From the Core

you broke me to the core
where even with time
i still feel where my soul tore
with a room full of people
you have made me feel like a ghost
how much you truly love or loved me
is all i wanted to be know.
Or even if at all

Was? Is

She was the city lights,
the stars, the fireflies,
the candlelight, and
everything else that made
the darkness look beautiful

Songwriter

the "songs" that i

write, i write so

your eyes can sing

them through your

smile when you

read them.

and i will keep writing

till the time i know you

read them. i will keep

singing till the time i

know you wait to hear

my voice. And i will

keep coming back

till the time you dont

ask me to move

forward with you.

Standing against the wind

i will stand
by you,
even if you
dont

when the time comes, ill stand by you. Even if it means that ill have to let you go away from me. i just need you to promise me that youll always remember what we had, what this love means to me and to our lives. i know it's alot to ask for but all i am left with is our memories and i dont want to know that you have regrets of going away. if you do, ill have to try to get you back and i have no capacity to watch you go through the pain again. i know, without any conditions. Just remember, i will always be around. You are beautiful  and each time the rains touch my skin or the stars light graces my sight or the moon looks larger than life, i will be missing you more than you could possibly imagine.

Flowers in February

She rose like belladonnna

from the night shades

of violent violet

sipping on the shadow of the sun

like a flower in February

...would smell just as sweet...

take me to your world

im tired of inhaling air

that doesnt have your

fragrance in it.

the flowers dont

seem to smell the

same without your

scent around that

and i have no desire

to live half alive and 

half dead when i can

live with you without

losing myself at all,

and completely at the

same time.

Deep Six

he screams

like a shovel to a

shallow grave

but she only speaks

in silence,

and lets the stillness

sink him

to where he belongs

from whence he came

You Are The Cosmos

you are a part of this

universe's greatest

creations and you

ask me why i

compare you with

the stars. 

Better than stars

it's what us silly mortals

do when we experience

the gods

If It Keeps Raining

If it keeps on raining, levee's going to break

When the levee breaks ill have no place to stay

cryin wont help you, prayin wont do you no good

when the levee breaks, mama you got to move

all last night sat on the levee and moaned

thinking about my baby and my happy time

(lyrics from "When the Levee Breaks" by Led Zeppelin)

All in Baby

i overthink

i over love

i over feel

i am the sea or i am nothing

how could i live any other way?

any other way isnt living

Call me Napoleon

i am waiting here

to hold you again

with the hands of art and

warmth of passion

i am waiting here to

know life as i have

always wanted to

know; complete

i am waiting for everything

that makes me feel alive

even when i have been

defeated.

You Happy?

Im beginning to recognize that real happiness isnt something large and looming on the horizon ahead but something small, numerous and already here. The smile of someone you love. A decent breakfast. The warm sunset. The first ten minutes of your loved one seeing you for the first time that day. The fifteen minutes of family dinner on a sunday. A freshly cracked beer. A chocolate chip cookie with more chocolate chips than usual. Your little everyday joys all lined up in a row.

Is That You?

I remember you like i remember the comfort of my skin, close, warm, sensuous and my own. I taste this memory of you , familiar, a curious mix of vanilla and spice, rising in the heat of my face. I see you behind the lids of my eyes, your own lids, closed, and mouth open, breath like a tenuous haze.

And i wish i could do more than just fucking remember. 

Goddess

Have you forgotten who you are? Here is a reminder. You are the bearer of light, of life. 

Do you have any idea of your power?

Every time your body bends, the universe yields to you. 

Your eyes are twin worlds they send up satellites to orbit. Your skin is made up of the very fabric of time. Your voice is the sound of the stars as they torch light among the empty blackness of space. You move like the celestial bodies themselves. Perfection incarnate. 

Look for the light within you. Let it surge like a river through your veins.

Use it to will your dreams into existence. You are not stuck here in this limbo. Purgatory is not for the likes of the you, the divine, let alone the inferno where i reside. 

You

Can

Do

Better

What is Your Weakness?

There is a relentless urge to feel accepted and that is my weakness. I know i do not need you yet your absence takes me to places i never wanted to visit. Maybe in your case, i am only human, only a mortal. Now do you see why i call you a Goddess? You are so above these silly issues and i am not. A mere month and i was nothing more than a pillar of salt, or ash take your pick. And that's just it, mortals fade to dust, gods just fade into memory of what was.

Silly Girl

he is not romeo.
you are not juliet.

And i dont know why you would want that type of love in the first place. It didnt really work out in the end for them now did it? To call a rose indeed...

Lost and Found

which that you lost
was never yours

a gentle reminder to not crave anymore. what has left or who has left. For if it was yours, it would have been yours in this moment and all those to come. Easier said than done id say but hey do as i say not as i do.

Leaving But Not On A Jet plane

Like I said you never did

And I read something

Even shared “no reason

To stay is a good reason to go.” So I followed

As I’m one of those people

Who isn’t only a reader

But who welcomes those

Words in their lives

And let them change them.

I never wanted you to leave

But you wanted to separate 

For so so long and so so badly

I tried everyday to come closer,

To reconnect, to find the lost bond

And shared love we both pissed away

But it all seemed to vanish out

Maybe dead and dead don’t wake up

No matter how much you mourn.

You packed your clothes, 

I have you the suitcase

You looked for an escape,

A trip and a hotel

You booked your plane ticket

So happy and free, unweighed 

By the separation or loss. 

As I didn’t mean enough

For you to lose in the first place.

I warmed the truck

You stepped out

But when I looked at you packing

The vehicle and driving away,

Not a glance, wave, or even any

Acknowledgment of loss 

On your way out and down

The street and away.

You were busy, maybe you

We’re digging up and opening

Wounds that together we closed.

Thinking of excuses to ignore 

My effort and change and will

To be better for you and repair

What was lost. The moment we danced

To the stars I had the realization that

I need you, that I always have.

I can only pray in vain that deep down

You feel the same, if only you’d show. 

It is the worst kind of death seeing you 

Give what should have been mine 

To a bottom feeder who is using 

Your love like he has done before

And others have done to you. 

I could come up with a hundred reasons

To be mine, even tho I have felt that you’ve

Settled and left a part of yourself back in 

2012-2015

And even tho it was a lie the love

You expressed was so deep you can’t

Even bring yourself to stare at it

And condemn and crucify the worst

Of monsters, even when they invade

Our life and try for you again.

I don’t blame them, you have changed

The world for the better just by

Being in it, even trash you’ve made better

Look how you’ve unfettered me.

You are a drug of pure starlight

Shooting liquid miracles through the vains

Of the mundane and common. 

You bring selfish to their knees just by

Showing them what pure divinity,

Innocence and beauty look like.

I am haunted house without you, 

So brittle and empty. Where once was

Innocent laughter and joy is replaced with

Cavernous silence, dust and regret.

We both carry on oddly enough, 

You’ve been down this road before,

I have not. I as if I am on some mental

Bataan death march. And you with

Smiles and laughter as if you’d been freed

From the worst of gulags. Despite my

Warnings you are “happy” with this

New user, and the only one who seems

Blind to it, is you 

The Day You Died Because You Wanted To- By Andrea Gibson

This poem is absolutely brilliant and impactful. I had to put it up for sheer gravity. Check out more of Andrea Gibson's stuff, she is an amazing talent. 

In something like our mothers we grew
Til' red was again the color of the water
And pain wasn't something any of us could point to
Because it was what was

And morning came not knowing if it would come again
And love was the only thing assumed
And love should have been enough
Someone without a heart might say

The day you died because you wanted to
I tied my wisdom tooth to a door knob and pulled it loose
Take everything I think I know, every answer is a grave
Now the questions are the rain I walk through to find my way to God

And my only God is faith that there is comfort here
And who is hurting might hurt less than they did before
What else are these coins and all these wells for?
If not to wish the grief asleep in the lap of someone else's grief
Til grief comes not knowing if it will come again

Your sister thought the hearse was a limousine
Til she asked where it was going
And then she knew for sure

That's what a word like heaven will do
But heaven wasn't what you were aiming for

You didn't think the other side would be better
You thought the other side would be nothing at all
Imagine choosing nothing at all
Imagine something hurting that bad

I didn't still have the ring you'd given me
I crushed it with a rock to see how much you loved me
I love you to pieces too

It hurts me in my head now
How you knew the water wasn't deep enough to dive into
But I won't let anyone say it was a shallow thing you did
I knew it was your entire body pointing
Saying here, here is where the pain is

I can crush a can with the heel of my shoe
I can drive by your mother's house if I want to
But, I don't want to

She was there when you bought the ring
She knew how long you'd been saving me
I didn't save anything

But you don't lose a person like a set of keys
Cause you don't find them again
And you can still get to where you're going
Resilience itself is an awful thing to grieve

Who with a heart can stomach how much we can stomach
All your blood in the water
And I can still wade through

And I will again
And I will again
And I will again with everyone I lose

So what I want most is to live the rest of my life
Desperately wanting to live it
I want to give that to you
I want to find you in the nothing at all

And I want it to be something
When I say, "I want to make something of my life."
That's what I mean

A Very Simple Statement

He stood there with tormented eyes

Shivering under the wind

Only a whisper 

Away

                                “...stay...” 

Lost Words

A midnight scribble

Or morning sign

You watch the words

Curl up and die

Madness lives

Inside your head

Of poems lost

And pages dead

A mind possessed

By unmade books

Unwritten lines

On empty hooks