Respect and awe

Look at the pretty people, all walking past. Everyone with a life, everyone with someone else. Almost enough to make oneself puke. They all seem so very perfect, in every single way. I cannot wait to become them, to change them and myself. The very thought brings almost a tear to my eye thinking of the fact that I will finally have worth to people I don't even know! I know I make an impact on those close to me, that is self explanatory. But to people who I want to become close to, I want to be needed by many not just a select few. Are you one of the few? That's obviously for you to know and me not too. You push me away so very much, with every glance, with every sentence. Could be that you live miles away, mind body and soul that I haven't ruined yet. I miss you, I really do. But do you remember the old days? When you did not know my face? God did we talk, we talked and joked and it was if we were right next to each other. As if you were in my arms and didn't care what I looked like or sounded like. That's what made you perfect! But perfection does not last forever. You met me, we drifted, it all happened just like I had predicted. How unfortunate. If only you would see me at the end of the becoming, how things would be different. Not like now, when you utter a few words that still I cherish with every waking breath. But no more, I realize my place. I understand what I am here for. I am here to show others the light, and to do that I must change for I am not fit as of now. And maybe after my work is done, I will be rewarded, with your love if possible. But this is merely a dream and I realize that. Just understand how much I am giving to become something. Not just a worthless failure. Piece by piece it all falls away to the perfection underneath. And if i must sell my soul to be something to you it will be done, thats how much i want to be noticed, thats how much i want the awe, THAT is how much I want to spread that awe to those around me. They all seem so perfect anyway, they can spare a poor sod like me some respect and awe.

Piece by Piece the Masterpiece is born

Piece of me scattered here nor there. Pieces here, but pieces there. I cannot stand to see the image, the visions of the thought suspended among the pictures of the past, or the present. The shiny reflective surface represents more than just the truth, it can lie like all the others. I hate going back upon the word that is spoken but things change as well as people and places. One thing at a time changes, little by little. But rest assured that it will call change eventually for the better, you may not see it now and that will probably hurt, you just don't understand that deep inside your bones you know I am not worthy of you yet, but I will be. Piece by piece I change, from man to god. I am not a man though. I began as one, but now I am becoming more than a man, as you will witness. I will be worthy of you one way or another. He has proclaimed it. Proclaimed that I am the pilgrim which will show those who do not believe in his strength, what he can do if given nothing at all to work with. He has told me that together we will both benefit from this becoming, for I will receive my o so desired awe, and he will reap the whirl wind. I will no longer be weak, a thing of weakness.
I finally saw it the other day when you sent me a message that you were not playing. You burnt away a part of me, I am only guessing it was so that I would see the imperfection and want to change that even more. It was so, it opened the door, to see your wonders slide in through the crowd of people who give me neither time nor day unless they are as drunk as I am. O the looks of those who think I am sh*t, how surprised they will be when he is finished working me into his image, a masterpiece! Just the very thought brings chills to me on how I wish to simply become! I am coming my love! And it will be glorious. You will see me in the true light that I so readily deserve. It is coming and no one can stop it. The canvas is ready and waiting to become the perfect picture of what she wants, of what deep down she needs! With every glass i drink i feel my soul being poisoned with it's unholy green aura, but with every drink, with every breath i am becoming. Others may not see it, whether they wish to or whether they not the mental stability to figure out that the time is now! I am going to make those who mocked me regret it, they will look upon the masterpiece with wonder and awe if it kills me! Well maybe not kill me, a masterpiece does nothing six feet under. So look filth, look at what i write and be warned that your day is coming, coming that your gifts will no longer be squandered, they will be ripped violently from grasp, and placeed softly all together in mine, it may cost my sanity, soul, and sight but i WILL BE REBORN!
Can you see it? Piece by piece i fall away and come back in the very image of greatness. The time is coming, coming fast that i will be practically worshipp like the filth in this town. I will be something, for you! I can't stand being without you, but no worries, be at peace with the knowlodge that you may not see it now, but i am becoming more and more, piece by piece...like you...

Have you seen the light? The change is upon you.

To me, you are a slug in the sun. You are privy to a great becoming but you recognize nothing. You are an ant in the afterbirth. Before me you rightly tremble. But you owe me more than fear. YOU OWE ME AWE...

Think to yourself that every day is your last. The hour to which you do not look forward will come as a welcome surprise. As for me, when you want a good laugh, you will find me in fine state... fat and sleek, a true hog of Epicurus's herd. Just looking at the very image of the finished result will pull those who did not find me worthy into the fold. It will be glorious. You need my opinion? Then here's one... you stink of fear and that cheap lotion. You stink of fear my friend, but you're not a coward. You fear me, but still you came here. You fear this shy boy, yet still you seek him out. Don't you understand? You found me out because we're very much alike. Without our imaginations, we'd be like all those other poor... dullards. Fear... is the price of our instrument. But I can help you bear it. I am not a man. I began as one, but now I am becoming more than a man, as you will witness.

Sucker

If you can't spot the sucker after being at the table ten minutes, then you are the sucker. And Johnny Chan always said, "it's immoral to let the sucker keep his money."

Why is it always me. Sucker for a face. Sucker for word or two. Even a sucker for a look of intrigue. I don't know what I do to deserve it, or even why I do it. All I know is that in this one moment of breathless remorse there is no refuge from it. The scars of the past run rampant in my head like the absinth coursing through my veins. It pains me to even think of the day that approaches, I hate the daylight, despise it with every breath. For it shows our true colors, it shows how we truly look and the scars that the previous days have left behind. And yet as the same sucker I have always been I do the same thing over and over and OVER again thinking that maybe your god will be kind to a poor beggar for once and smile upon a servant he turned looses to his dogs. But they say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting and different result, so maybe I am not so much a sucker but insane, crazy, loco. I hate this, this becoming I thought was for nothing, but maybe it will burn away this old filth around me and stop this pain from killin me from the inside out. I don't know why I never learn, all I really know is that I never do. And yet when your wretched daylight comes I will know one thing, that your advice to tough it out with a smile will keep coming, your denial of reality will keep coming, and me being a sucker I will keep thinking that you are right. I will plow ahead thinking that if I am happy life will change, only to be let down in the end. Because I know what the future holds without this change. You may say I do not need the dragon, you may say I do not need to become, but you do no know life in the shoes of one who is not even in the same league as you. How dare you put me in your category knowing full well deep inside your bones I am not supposed to be there!! You know nothing of pain! Pain I deal with everyday that eats what little faith in my pain wracked body has left. I cannot bare the pain any longer, I cannot live a lie. I am changing so I will never have to deal with this daylight again. I will walk away from this all a change man. I will be something that doesn't feel this pain, this horrible wracking PAIN! No longer will I be a sucker for pain. I cannot live like this anymore, come hell or high water something will change, the pain WILL stop. But of course you will never know, because being happy can change the world! Behind every smile you see nothing, it's nothing but a bluff. Someday you will understand, when you are put in a situation where you know full out that you inferior to these nice people telling you that your not. Then you will know what one day is like being a failure. Your god abandoned me, my heart fizzled and burnt away from relentless pain and heartaches, and everywhere around me I see nothing but perfection and how I failed at it. But in the end I suppose, when the change has ended, you will look like you where right all along. The boy will be confident, strong and happy, not putting up with any crap that comes his way. He will no longer throw his heart to the dogs because he can no longer find it. I WILL NO LONGER BE A SUCKER.

Alone in the dark

I do not try to pass my life off as eaither the worst or the best...but that being said, the pain i deal with you will most likely never feel...

Here i am, sitting in the dark. Listening to music or watching a crappy movie. Images float by my head, like sparks from a fire, there one moment, gone the next. Ideas there and gone in the blink of an eye. Me ebing with you, me not. The finished resault of the becoming, and you loving every minute of it. Don't worry, the nightmares i see, the horrible images in the dark that scare the crap outta me are not real, i hope. But then one pauses to wonder. If one is sitting alone in the dark, you they see things that only they can see, can it be real? Is it reality? All alone in the dark, the sweet sweet dark, where everyone is equal. Where my change is not needed, because in the dark i am equal to you, i no longer need the dragon. Alone in the dark, all i need is you...

I am coming home

I am coming, coming to see you, you mean that much. For me to come to you before i am done changing, to be before your gaze before i believe i am ready for it. I just HAVE to see you, almost as much as i must change for you, i must see you, i can't live without you...

Pilgrim

I have stated time and time again of the change that is happening, the being that I am to become. There is no stopping what I have started. It just cannot be done! You are privalged to witness a great becoming and yet you see nothing, this will change, it must. I am changing for the better, i am changing for you! What nobler and rightous cause is there? There is none that i believe come to mind. But my god how i must be healed now you think? On the outside at least. You hope i am not too ugly, what a collection of scars i must have but always remember who gave me the best of them. Funny how scars have the power to remind us that the past is real, and what the future might hold in store for the unwise, and the unwilling to learn from the past mistakes of others or themselves. Althought the current body which i inhabit is trivial, what is important is what i am becoming. Do you dream much? Think of me. Think of me not of the way i am now, but of how i will look when the becoming is done. Of what i will look like when i am worthy of your gaze. But do not be troubled, I MUST CHANGE! I can not stand the weakness that i inhabit anymore! For your sake and for mine. A robin red breast in a cage puts all heaven in a rage. Think of me when you dream, i think of you, it is really all i can do without going insane really. Do you dream much?

Fallen Angel

Fallen unto the pit of pain and regret what is one to do? Look unto the light that shines above, to want to become something else, to want to BE something else. Something that isn't in the pit and does not have to deal with the pressures and the pain of that horrible place, that horrible state of mind. Do not deny that I am not what you seek, one need only look and listen to decipher the truth about your likes and dislikes. Remember I am no idiot of the masses, I can think, listened, and adapt. And that is what I am doing, I have thought, I have listened, and now I am adapting to this hell that I have been thrust upon. Maybe someday I will be thought of as a martyr of some fallen faith, where I will no longer thought of as a symbol of weakness, but where I will be envied for the things I say and do, and looked upon with reverence and awe with the very look of me. And so we shall say that the wings will grow back, they can only stay burnt and singed for so long before things begin to heal, well skin deep I suppose. Frail, the skin is dry and pale, the pain will never fail and so we go back to the remedy. Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie and tell yourself, "You'll be the death of me".

Destiny Awaits

The change in undeniable, unchangeable and cannot be stopped. Things that have been put into motion cannot be stopped, my destiny is coming. The one thing in life that always stays the same is that life is always changing, in my case? The better. Take a good long look (if you can stomach it) and see the before picture, the after picture is not too far away. If the change was not needed, if I am good the way I am now, then things would be different. Life would be different. But it isn't. I guess it was my destiny to see how far someone can fall before I could become the pinnacle of the human physicality. No more c.l.b., no more t.w.d. no more skinny little bastard, no more ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! Nothing but ooos and awws about how great I am and how much they want me or want to be me. That my friends is the destiny that is coming, and no worries it is coming. Because you can't stop change. Mind body and soul. Why would you want to stop that anyhow? Do you like me being worthless? No you don't, thats why i am here writing this, and you are accross the tracks on the inside looking out. My God it will be glorious...just thinking about the change is enough to inspre me to change. Fascinating isn't it? Thats what destiny will do, open your eyes to see things you never thought possible. Like change, but hey look at me now...

An Angel in Hell

How ironic, you look upon me and label me an angel, little do you know...I am an angel in hell...

Pain, unimaginable, horrors unthinkable, visions unbearable. Welcome to the life of an angel who cannot be with the angel he desires. That is hell, and most people have no clue what its like, and those who do hide it to save face because they know they cannot let that hell out. THAT is why things must change, THAT is why i must have the canvas wiped cleaned, and THAT is why i am going to be something that the angel needs, wants and desires. Because this hell? I can't live in it any longer, i am dieing, i really am. But thats hell! I am dieing and i am dieing alone. So if i have to die in this hell, the one choice i have is whether i will do it alone, or do it with others. I choose to have some company. I...will...NOT...die...ALONE!

I hang my halo on the looking glass

Look me not unto the looking glass, it does justice not to thee or I. Why I do not know nor want. For its to God's hands why and how. Look yourself unto the glass and see the beauty that is you, an angel among angels. To see it only for the change would be the motive if you look for me, for the change is unavoidable with the mindset that is chosen. Do not be troubled with the words, they make perfect sense. Even tho you may not think a change is needed...think deeply, believe you have never met me. Then you will see it, you will see the need for change, you will see where your god went wrong. And that is why with his help I will become what you want! What you need! For that is truly what I need, and in reality it is what we all need, to become the best we can be, to become really anything that is wanted or needed. I know thats what i want, what I need. Because there is no way I am now, you should know this if you know me. So say this when oyu peer into the glass which does not lie...is that the best I am ever going to be? The answer hangs on the mirror in the shadows of the glass, don't make the mistake that it lies, or you will end up being all to familiar to me, and that is one i never want to see in the glass again...ever.

Recognize the clarity from within

Can you see me? Do you care? The world which you know is changing, for the better or the worse i do not know. But i am, can you even tell? Do you want to is probably a more accurate question. I suppose not, because of how low i started out i am thinking. I could be wrong and i would love for you to show it but people dont always get what they want. All i want is for you to see this! See this change that i am doing for you. So you will not only look in my direction, but look in it with awe and wonder at how amazing i am, not at how low and pathetic i am compaired to you. But see this and do not tremble, do not hide away. Because i have said many times, you rightly tremble before me but it is not fear that you owe me...you owe me your awe! See this and be at peace because until you do i will never be at the peace i need to be in. Not until the change is done and i am worth the gaze unto which i long for...

It has begun

the becoming has well, begun. i am well on my way to being something else, something worthy of her light. She is truley an artist of masterpieces and other wonders, she as suffererd unumerably but she did and does not deserve any hint of it. Maybe it is god's plan to make the beautiful suffer, i may never know. What i do know is seeing as how she has suffered so much, why on earth would she settle for what i am now? This lowly, slime that writes these blabs of insanity, is not what she needs nor wants, i gather that. But i will change, mark my words i will change and become something she doesn want! I will change and become something worthy of her love and support. Because what i am now she does not need to suffer under the slings and arrows of time with me. Such a thing would be a sin, why else would it be up until this point? It must be an eleventh commandment, thou shall not hinder the beauty of the rightous or god like. And that being what i would be doing even if i had a thought of falling for her, would of course be a sin. So that is why i am changing that is why i have decieded to burn away the old and bring about the new whatever be the cost or measure. Because she is worth it! And what i am now is not, but it will be! i will make sure of that. Come hell or high water...i will be worth it...

Enter the Becoming

The time has come, the change is undeniable...Non abbastanza buono...

Every breath I take changes the thoughts flouting around in my extremely confused skull. But this is nothing new, is it? Like I said I am confused. But that will change! Just like everything that I am going to burn away, it will change. My mind is still so lost but finally has seen more than most believe, I have seen that I must change. And not just a little, EVERYTHING MUST CHANGE. A canvas must be swept clean of the previous works for the artist to begin anon. And new flowers cannot be grown where there is no room correct? Then this must be done, I must be made clean and new. The canvas will be wiped clean of the mistake that once filled it's eternal neutrality. For it was this artist which has shown me everything! But unwittingly shown me that I need to change, because I myself have deemed this painting a failure. So the becoming has begun, for everything must begin with something correct? So enjoy the failure you see before you, for it is the last time this weakling will be visible to world outside. What am i becoming you ask? Very simple, 伟大红色的凶暴的人. For it is the only form to take will be worthy of the respect and awe that i crave, now more than ever. You rightly tremble before me, but it is not fear that you owe me, you owe me awe! And one day i will collect, that day is coming, make no mistake about it.