Its been awhile but feelings will always perverse, onward and upward.
To dream and not to scream. Sounds simple enough, but when you take into account the emotions and thoughts that will live inside the head of someone broken (and the will, forever, there is no fixing some people) then to dream and not to scream becomes all the more difficult to understand let alone do. All this time I had given up on writing my emotions and ideas down. And all they did was grow and grow. I find myself in love...again. And yet i find it continuing down the same path as the others, albeit at a far more protracted pace. But the signs persist; awkwardness in public, limited eye contact, forced flattery, and of course the big one...no comment on commitment. And i get it, she belongs to another nation, the transition to our frozen wasteland would be shocking to say the least. But why did i need to find someone foreign? That question i hear untold times a day. The question is simple and complex all at the same time. My country loathes me. At least its female delegate. Why? Im kind and nice to a fault, thats probably the biggest reason. You would puke at how many times I've heard the words "he's just too nice! We dont have to work at our relationship!". Excuse the language but seriously what the fucking jesus christ god damn fuck? Dont try to think about it too long, or rationalize it; it simply cannot be done. Another reason for their distaste will be my looks. I am not good looking until i wear one of my many suits, the hair, the accessories and so on. Cloths do make the man, period. I have been continuously told time and time again that i am one of the best dressed men seen by so and so. But no one, ever, EVER, would say that with my shirt off. And besides they are merely looking at my cloths, not my scarred face, not my boring eyes (even if they do change color, not one female on earth cared to look), not my disgustingly large lips, or the horrible roman nose, pale skin and so on and so on. In short, i take off my shirt and i resemble a scallop. Funny? I hope so i came up with that joke. But never the less, true. But its not for lack of trying either. I kickbox, and try to do as many sports as possible. I eat far better than i have ever done in my life even tho it is still not perfect nor will it ever. If i were to give up booze and crappy food completely i would have tried far more than twice to end it all, i really would have gone until the job was done. But i digress. And if you disagree you have obviously never met me, you know me far too well and are in that case not sleeping with me or have not or never will. Or you are just trying to be nice yourself and as i have stated above if your a male dont try this ever, women hate it, at least women under thirty (a study Michigan did proved this, the hormones that are generated by the "bad boy" complex diminish greatly after the age of thirty). And although please retort at anytime, i have ample examples and experiences to go along with what i say. If you think is this a pity party its not, sometimes emotions and ideas need to brought forward or the consequences are dire. At any time if you dont like this then leave because the years have merely seasoned these ideas and as the posts go back to when i first started writing you will find them far more raw and agitated. As you may have noticed (probably not but one can hope) i am well studied on the subjects of women, attraction, so on. Why? I had to know, why i wasnt worth it, why am not presently worth it and what i can do to change this or at least attempt to change the fate at which your god gave me. But it is a long road to redemption, or as close as i'll get to it. But the countless hours and untold amount of reading has led me to these truths that i have stated above.
In the end there are things that cannot be changed. My research has also led me to that and this. I have as i said always looked as to why i have never been good enough, and when i started this research i thought i was going to get some great insight into why i am the way i am. A look into a complex psyche. A glimpse into the neurological map of "el monstro" that could show some light on some bigger truths that could could maybe help other sick people one day. As i got close and personal with my own disease and read through my personal work, i found the truth. It's a small one though. As unexciting as it may sound, some toys just come out of the factory broken. I am a broken toy, an unfixable, shattered, simply broken toy....
