Beginnings

It is not what that is inside that counts, it is what you do that defines who you are...

I have seen the far side of the mountain. I have seen the kingdom of heaven, it lies in the heart and the soul. I have seen ups and downs, ins and outs. I have begun and although I think I have ended, others do not see it this way. They tend to believe that I am either not "cooked" yet or that I really haven't begun. Or even still that I am in my beginning stages. This is more probable. I have preached and preached on almost every blog that one day when I cleanse this filthy excuse for an existence, I will be something to be proud of, loved or feared. And I have never in my life let a person know this, not face to face. But I am weak, I must remember this. The word is out, they all most likely know. The people that will love me, and be proud know the grand plan, they know my weakness like never before and this saddens me. I wanted it to be a suprise really funny how life always seems to change what you have planned. We have all started at the same point, in the same type of way. But it is what we do, and how we do it which defines how we are and what we are for that matter. That is the most important reason that this will change, i am be perfect like you all say inside. But to see it? You have deal with the rest of me, which isn't whether you like it or not. So i am beginning again, and again and yet again. I am turned this blog into a broken record of regret and pain. To those who now know my pain and secrets i pity you and am sorry for my mistakes of putting that pain on you, please find it in your heart to forgive my imorality and unworthyness of that situation. Please look upon this broken soul and find the courage and strength to forgive all the pain i put you through. I would rather not live through life as an unforgiven, we will have to talk about that in another blog lol.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

It's funny how your soul heals when not being battered by the sight of failure...

The mirrors are covered, the puddles in the streets are avoided, and the glass windows in the shops are ignored at all costs. THIS is my kind of healing, mentally, physically, spiritually. This is how I try to live, how I try to pull myself from the pit of despair and just accept the basic principles of my life. I am not like you, in every way shape or form. I am unclean, dirty, unworthy of being normal. I may have fought and won round one but the memory still lingers on. Balance is only a state of mind, that can be shattered in so many different ways. But I look and see only the scars of the first round, see only the scars of what I fought for. More are to come. Funny how scars have the ability to show us that the past was real, and always will be. But I put that in the back of my mind, the back of the brain and realize that it can't be ignored because everything I do, everywhere I go if I look in the reflection I see there is sadness there and I am confronted with the reality of my life, what I will have to deal with now and forever. Funny how the worst battles are fought from within, and people don't see that, hell they wouldn't even dream of it. They have no idea because seeing is believing, and if you don't see, you don't know...

Beyond Comprehension

It took me 18 years to figure out what it takes most men 40, I am somewhat proud...

When most men hit that magic age of 40 or so, they usually come to a conclusion about their lives. It took me to the age of 18 to figure it out and I am nearly 19 and I figured out what many do not understand till they are in their death beds staring at the ceiling everyday. First of all, I am totally and completely alone, and forever shall be within the confounds of the dark void which is my mind, and that i can die before the time i see fit. Nearly19 as i said before and i figured out the ultimate truth, not only am i only and can die, i am already dead...and i died alone. Such a pity. Now those who read this will most likely not understand this until their chosen time, mine was now, yours will be then, don't judge this for it. And don't bother to argue unless you already comprehend this and everything about this. I do. Thats why i can talk about it. Comprehension is what leads to the stoppage of ignorance. Don't ignore this, use it, believe it, live it.

The heart and the shape

Why does it hurt so much to tell your heart to shut up and leave the thinking to me...

I cannot have her, she need not know me. Only a face, a wretched, scarred and unworthy face. Why does my heart torture me so whenever the thought flashes across the mind. I know that empty hole in my chest is thinking waiting to make me do things that would make no sense. It wants to come back, I know it. But to change and become more than better, I needed to put it away...Forever. It is a pity, but better this way. And really, how could my heart brake? It was never whole in the first place. So I suppose it really is better not to have one. Just wish I would stay away. I have had enough of pain. Every look into her eyes, every time I hear her voice, every time I gaze into the mirror only to fear what stares back at me...

Staring back at me

Whether it be a mirror, or a camera, what stares back is sometimes good, sometimes bad....

Eyes, the window to the soul. Do you know what stares back at you when you look unto the looking glass? Your soul, naked and inept. What lies truly in your heart is what stares back at you. The twisted, hurt, wretched thoughts that keep you up at night. Thoughts of beauty and maybe not of. Expectations can be seen in the sages and wrinkles of your face. Your muscles (if any) are small yet tighten like a canvas just ready to be made into a truly masterful piece of art. But again back to the sightless eyes, the ruined lips, the cut and shaven face full of marks from puberty, how funny how that past continues to haunt you even now. Your hair, plain and boring, with the texture of that of straw or a horse tail, how sad. Back to those eyes, ugly and sometimes lidless when it comes to pain. Whats this a tear? How pathetic. You fear what i say because it is the truth. You look at you plain and wasted being and see it full of holes to be filled. Your very presence sickens me to no end. You need me! You thought you could just live away and forget about my presence? Forget about all i ttaught you, all i gave you, the chance to become something your not? How many people have that chance. You worthless worm!, HOW DARE YOU! You are a joke to the very core! If you remember anything remember this, you need me, i do not need you, period. That is what stares back at you, your future without me. That is why you hate the mirrors, or puddles in the rain, they truly show you what you look like. Haha o the comedy. Filth, you will come to reget not thinking you need me, sporco, indatto, indegno! Enough said. Goodnight filth, remember my words, how could you not, there is no way to sleep looking like that haha....

Find the real

I wanna know, I wanna feel, I want to find peace, find the real...

Is it not funny in how the hardest thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? The road taken might not be smooth and easy, but if I am going to do the right thing, the right thing for us all. Then it must be done. To know, to feel, to finally find peace. Real? Just a state of mind. To reach the state of mind on the other hand is a whole nother story. Ask anyone, anyone sane anyway. A different hell for different people. Why hell? How is this. If you were to change around everything you ever learnt, believed and heard, what do you think that would do to you. Turn your world upside down and inside out? If you answered yes, you are right, and smart enough not to be blind. If you answered no then or ignorant and should not be reading this or anything else written in the following pages. Also if you answered right then it is now an obligation of yours not to turn a blind eye to those who are in this transition from a state of bliss and stupidity to a state of knowing believing, and seeing. You do that and I suppose you are well on your way on your own journey to find the real. To finally have peace knowing that you are no longer blind. I just hope and pray (well maybe not pray, we all know that does diddly crap) that one day soon you feel, know and believe in the peace that this journey will bring.

Random thoughts of love

It's strange to think i havn't seen you since a few months, i have seen the new moons, i have seen sun rises and sun sets but nothing of oyur beautiful face. Since then, the pieces of my broken heart have been so small they could pass through the eye of a needle.. I miss you like the sun misses the flower, the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct it's light too, the heart hiardens like the frozen world your life has banished me too. Twice or thrice i loved thee before i knew thy face or name, so in a voice, so in a shapless flame, angels affect us oft, and worshipped be. Hope guides me, it is what gets me through the day and especailly the night. The hope what after you are gone it will not be the last time i look upon your beautiful face. You truly are a gift sent from above, do not let anybody else tell you differently. For all you need to do is look upon what you allowed me to see. You allowed me to change and become more, to become enough. So don't ask why i have changed for all i need to say is say your sweet sweet name. When i die and go to heaven, when death replaces birth, i'll recoginze the angels faces because i have met one here on earth.

To those who have touched my life and do not even believe it. You have saved me from the life of dullery. You all might not know who you are but believe the words that i speak. Look into the mirror and believe that it is blessed. Do not settle for those who "think" they are settling for you. You truly are so specail, and never think otherwise, for when you do, you are hurting those who have come to know and believe what i am saying. Never sell yourself short, you deserve it all. You are the things of dreams, so in that case, vederlo nei miei sogni, per sempre nei miei sogni...

The blank canvas

The slate is clean, I am finally ready to begin the true becoming. Do you know what that means? That sniveling worm you knew and deep down hated is GONE! FINISHED! NO MORE will I be labored with the very memory of failure, pain and worthlessness. Forever more the only way is up, the only way out is through. Even saying these very words brings tears to my eyes, just think of it! Never more, never again! Only purity and light from here on in! I have finally paid my price of pain, blood, sweat and tears and more will be paid but at least I will know that HE is never coming back. I made sure. From here on in it this voice, this person, this life that you will be seeing. And be wanting or wanting to be. For once in my life, I feel...Free...

Ignorence is bliss

Damn this all seeing eye. Damn this intillect that allows me to see the truth. See through the lies of who and what. It has shown me things i never want to see. To see that it is not where you come from and not what you are but where you go, how you affect those around you. I hate it to no end the pain i see, not only my own but that of others who i cannot fix. I wish i was one of those dullards you see in the street. Oblivious to pain heartache and suffering. When will it end? How? Simple: CHANGE! Don't be blind to it. Believe it. Live it. I am not good enough. Yes your god gave me a purpose. To show you what the lowest looks like and then to show you with enough drive and tenascity one can change what he is and make those around him proud. Mark my words when i get done people will be forced to have only two choices. To WANT me or WANT TO BE me. Plain, simple, no exceptions. I have had very much enough of not being good enough for your eyes . I have done it all. My mind is in the midst. And it is only a matter of time. Please if you read this, do not judge. For in the end you may not know the person you are judging in the first place. don't have pity, don't have anger. Just believe, help and fear. In most cases ingnorence to some things is bliss, there are things you don't need nor want to know. If you do wish to know about this, i believe i have proven myself in with the very words i write and what i have written before. Just believe and awe, and do not turn and hide away from those you nothing about. Becuase in the end you might just find out alittle more than you bargained for.

Good enough

never

Victory or bust

There is no choice. I will win. The road will be rough the pain will be more than i ever expeiernced before. But with your memory i will get through, i will win. How can i not? Even if it comes down to the loss of my hair, nails and some skin I WILL WIN! Just like your body, if you work it hard enough it has no choice to change, the same goes for this. With your help, and what love you can offer me i will win. Although without it, why do i fight? Would it be in the vain hopes that someday we will love? But even i see that as a falsay. Hope is the denial of reality, but how could one not come to see it? If the feeling of worthlessness was rampant before, after i might not have enough to go on with out you, in any shape or form. I still need you...

Fireflies in the night...

How can i ever be more to you? What have i done to deserve this indignity? A broken heart, a broken body, a broken soul...a broken life. And even when i wish to change, from the whole. I am fogotten from your light. After all this time, she STILL does not know me! I do not know what i did or how i did it, but by god why did she fade away into the darkness like the fireflies in the nightlight. The day she slipped away was the day i knew that nothing would ever be the same. It cut like a knife, straight to the core because i actually believed i was blessed. But then again i was i suppose. For you truly showed me what the most beautiful things in life are, you showed me it was ok to love again even if i did not recieve it back. You where a blessing and a curse. A drug strait from the devil for it took my soul and ripped it from my cancer infested carcass. I don't believe i will ever be the same, the scar it left will always haunt my soul. Like a ghost that will never catch me it will never leave. Your very memory shatters me to the bone. But i have nothing left, the game is over. I need a remedy only you have, only you can give. Such a tangled web we weave.

Lei mai me vedrà?

Guardarme! Sono stato sulle mie ginocchia tutta la vita chiedendo una cosa ed una cosa soltanto. Notarme, lo sguardo a me e tentare di aiutare quelli che ha bisogno del suo guidence, e ciò me sarebbe! Per non guarda una volta le persone col denaro e le donne ed il potere, lo sguardo all'un che ha bisogno di molto poco di esso! L'ha mai? No! Lei non ha mai guardato nell'indicazione di questo pellegrino povero a meno che era causare il dolore. L'ho odiata poiché lei ha rubato quegli importante a me. Ho odiato il molto nome di lei poiché lei me ha abbandonato ai lupi. Lei è tiranno attendendo nei venti di raccogliere le anime di quelli che va a lei dopo che lei loro causa addolora. L'odio con ogni fibra in mio è! Lei porta le donne amo finalmente e lei la guida lontano a causa della maniera che guardo. Appena lei attende, cambierò e lei supplicherà per sapere il mio nome! Lei finalmente me darà il benvenuto nella sua luce. Lei me loderà ama quelli sciocchi lei dà tutto il potere. L'ODIO! E lei me vedrà finalmente, a senso unico o un altro sarò lodato. Da lei o lei o gli altri. Lei lo deve a me me lodare, lei. ..owe...ME!!!!

Vederla nei miei sogni

La vedo nei miei sogni. Dovunque posso essere, che posso fare. Non vedo niente ma lei. Lei è cosí speciale che la sua bellezza è sconfinata, anche alla faccia di un angelo che lei stupisce. Ciò è che questo è tutto circa, lei. Tutto il cambiamento e tutto il preperation è tutto il piegato sul fatto che ho bisogno di essere con lei. Ci è nessuno altro scelta, ci è lei e soltanto lei. Quando la sono diventato vedrà, vedrà come glorioso sono e che vado bene giustamente in con la sua senza fine bellezza. Farò il dispiacere di dio mai lascia e l'angelo dietro. Lo farò orgoglioso e farò lei è nel timore della mia grandezza tanto quanto sono di vostro. Che è almeno il mio sogno.